RandyGrandad
Member
Someone asked me to name something beginning with 'N' that I was no good at at School. I said spelling.
Excellentdadjoketastic
Excellentdadjoketastic
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
TheBoroBuzzard
Well-known member
Millbrook
Well-known member
Two doctors are walking down the street when they see a man walking towards them with a strange limp. After a short diagnostic discussion, one of them stops the man to say…
“My friend and I are trying to guess your medical condition. I think it's lumbago, but my partner says it's probably arthritis. Can you enlighten us?”
“Well,” says the limping man, “we're all three of us wrong. I thought it was gas.”
“My friend and I are trying to guess your medical condition. I think it's lumbago, but my partner says it's probably arthritis. Can you enlighten us?”
“Well,” says the limping man, “we're all three of us wrong. I thought it was gas.”
Millbrook
Well-known member
A proper English gentleman is sitting in front of a fire place in his mansion and reading a paper.
Suddenly a door opens and a butler rushes in, clothes all loose, messy hair and in a bit of panic screams, “The Thames is rising fast! Water is flooding everything and soon will reach us!”
The gentlemen calmly folds his paper and scolds the man for being tardy. “You are a servant of this fine family! We do not fear anything so there is no need to panic! Act like it, get yourself in order and try announcing that again like a proper butler should!”
The butler leaves and closes the door. Ten minutes pass, then another and another.
Finally in about an hour the door opens again and a calm, groomed and spotlessly-dressed servant announces:
“The Thames is here to see you, sir.”
Suddenly a door opens and a butler rushes in, clothes all loose, messy hair and in a bit of panic screams, “The Thames is rising fast! Water is flooding everything and soon will reach us!”
The gentlemen calmly folds his paper and scolds the man for being tardy. “You are a servant of this fine family! We do not fear anything so there is no need to panic! Act like it, get yourself in order and try announcing that again like a proper butler should!”
The butler leaves and closes the door. Ten minutes pass, then another and another.
Finally in about an hour the door opens again and a calm, groomed and spotlessly-dressed servant announces:
“The Thames is here to see you, sir.”
Borobuddah
Well-known member
Don’t get it?
Millbrook
Well-known member
A priest and a rabbi go into a bar and sit down for a beer and a nice collegial chat. After a while, the conversation goes like this:
“Aaron, I know that you keep to the law pretty strictly, so you’re not allowed to eat pork. But…did you ever…out of curiosity…try some pork just to see what you were missing?”
“Well John, I tell you, when I was a young man in yeshiva I became very curious about what we are forbidden. So I sneaked out late one night, went to an all night diner, and had a ham sandwich.”
After a long silence, the rabbi says,
“But tell me John, I know that priests are celibate but…forgive me…did you ever have sex with a woman, just to see what it was you were giving up?”
“Oh Aaron, when I was a young man in seminary, I too became very curious about carnal matters. So one night I left through the back door, went downtown, met a prostitute, and had sex with her.”
Another long silence, and the rabbi says,
“Better than a ham sandwich, isn’t it?”
“Aaron, I know that you keep to the law pretty strictly, so you’re not allowed to eat pork. But…did you ever…out of curiosity…try some pork just to see what you were missing?”
“Well John, I tell you, when I was a young man in yeshiva I became very curious about what we are forbidden. So I sneaked out late one night, went to an all night diner, and had a ham sandwich.”
After a long silence, the rabbi says,
“But tell me John, I know that priests are celibate but…forgive me…did you ever have sex with a woman, just to see what it was you were giving up?”
“Oh Aaron, when I was a young man in seminary, I too became very curious about carnal matters. So one night I left through the back door, went downtown, met a prostitute, and had sex with her.”
Another long silence, and the rabbi says,
“Better than a ham sandwich, isn’t it?”
Millbrook
Well-known member
Thought he was going to fart but crapped his pants hence why he was walking strangely and the doctors thought it was a medical condition.
Luca Brazi
Active member
The government has just announced the appointment of a new Minister For Energy Conservation. She is a 43 year old Russian-born former academic named Tanya Heatoff.
Millbrook
Well-known member
A man, feeling poorly, goes to his doctor, who is immediately able to diagnose him as having an inevitably fatal, extremely fast acting and completely incurable disease. The doctor explains there is no treatment, that he has less than 24 hours to live and that he might must as well go home and settle his affairs.
So he goes home and tells his wife, and they decide as long as he has so little time they might as well make it pleasant. So they open a bottle of champagne and head up to the bedroom and make mad love. Of course afterwards the man falls asleep. He wakes in the middle of the night, pats himself all over and awakens his wife, saying, “Honey, I’m still alive! Let’s do it again!”
She responds, “Give me a break. I have to get up in the morning and you don’t.”
So he goes home and tells his wife, and they decide as long as he has so little time they might as well make it pleasant. So they open a bottle of champagne and head up to the bedroom and make mad love. Of course afterwards the man falls asleep. He wakes in the middle of the night, pats himself all over and awakens his wife, saying, “Honey, I’m still alive! Let’s do it again!”
She responds, “Give me a break. I have to get up in the morning and you don’t.”
boroboy6872
Well-known member
**Stolen from Reddit**
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Millbrook
Well-known member
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year when Esther and Morris went to the fair Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. This might be my last chance to ride that helicopter." Esther replied, "That helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and $50 is $50".
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! If you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres and daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"
One year when Esther and Morris went to the fair Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. This might be my last chance to ride that helicopter." Esther replied, "That helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and $50 is $50".
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! If you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres and daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”
Millbrook
Well-known member
A doctor walks into the exam room to find a husband and wife sitting there. "What seems to be the problem?" he asks.
"Well every time my husband opens his mouth, he can only sing," says the wife.
"Interesting, but I'd like to hear it from your husband," replied the doctor.
The husband shrugs, opens his mouth and sings, "Well, she's all you'd ever want, She's the kind I like to flaunt and take to dinner, but she always knows her place. She's got style, she's got grace, she's a winner. She's a lady"
"Interesting," says the doctor. "Let's try it again."
The husband once again opens his mouth and sings, "What's new, Pussycat? Whoa, whoa, What's new, Pussycat?"
"Hmmmmmmmmm. Once more, please," said the doctor.
Again the husband opens his mouth and sings, "My my my Delilah. Why why why Delilah? I could see, that girl was no good for me, but I was lost like a slave that no man could free."
"I've heard enough," says the doctor.
"Well? What's the diagnosis, doctor?" asked the wife.
"I'd say it's a acute case of TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome," says the doctor.
"Is it rare?" asked the wife.
The doctor replied, "It's not unusual."
"Well every time my husband opens his mouth, he can only sing," says the wife.
"Interesting, but I'd like to hear it from your husband," replied the doctor.
The husband shrugs, opens his mouth and sings, "Well, she's all you'd ever want, She's the kind I like to flaunt and take to dinner, but she always knows her place. She's got style, she's got grace, she's a winner. She's a lady"
"Interesting," says the doctor. "Let's try it again."
The husband once again opens his mouth and sings, "What's new, Pussycat? Whoa, whoa, What's new, Pussycat?"
"Hmmmmmmmmm. Once more, please," said the doctor.
Again the husband opens his mouth and sings, "My my my Delilah. Why why why Delilah? I could see, that girl was no good for me, but I was lost like a slave that no man could free."
"I've heard enough," says the doctor.
"Well? What's the diagnosis, doctor?" asked the wife.
"I'd say it's a acute case of TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome," says the doctor.
"Is it rare?" asked the wife.
The doctor replied, "It's not unusual."
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
sambaDTR
Well-known member
Paddy, Mick and Seamus are working on a building site. Unfortunately there is an accident. A bucket falls onto Paddy’s head cracking the bone in the back of his neck. Seamus shouts to Mick “Mick, I‘ll go and phone for an ambulance. You support Paddy’s head until it arrives”. Ten minutes later the ambulance arrives and the Medics rush across to attend to Paddy. They hear Mick singing “Paddy’s head”. Clap clap clap. “Paddy’s head”. Clap clap clap!
festa5
Well-known member
An Englishman, Welshman, Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub.
"I called my son George" he said "because he was born on St George's Day".
"That's a coincidence" said the Scotsman "I called my son Andrew because he was born on St Andrew's day".
"That's an incredible coincidence" said the Welshman "my son is called David because he was born on St David's day".
"That's an amazing coincidence" said the Irishman "just wait till I get home and tell my son Pancake about that".
"I called my son George" he said "because he was born on St George's Day".
"That's a coincidence" said the Scotsman "I called my son Andrew because he was born on St Andrew's day".
"That's an incredible coincidence" said the Welshman "my son is called David because he was born on St David's day".
"That's an amazing coincidence" said the Irishman "just wait till I get home and tell my son Pancake about that".
Millbrook
Well-known member
A man is walking past a lunatic asylum with a high wooden fence which he cannot see through. From inside the fence he can hear voices chanting “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen…”
Intrigued, he finds a small knothole in the fence so he tries to peep through to find out what’s going on. As soon as he does this, someone pokes him in the eye with a stick, forcing him to fall backwards clutching his face in pain. From inside the fence he hears:
“Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen…”
Intrigued, he finds a small knothole in the fence so he tries to peep through to find out what’s going on. As soon as he does this, someone pokes him in the eye with a stick, forcing him to fall backwards clutching his face in pain. From inside the fence he hears:
“Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen…”