I have long been blessed with the ability to do ”silent but deadly’s” since I was a kid. However my proudest achievement over all these years comes with the effect that air travel has on my “bottom burps”
No idea if it’s a change in pressure thing or the food/drink but my god the results are perversely fantastic… and being silent means I can loudly protest my displeasure and disgust whilst secretly revelling in the joy of one’s creation
The most memorable was a flight to Majorca a few years back (no dates/details to protect the innocent
)
Barely 10 mins after take off I was happily settling into the flight when the familiar rumble began to brew. Knowing what was coming I prepared my defence of opening my book to look like I was not the guilty party once my “friend” arrived.
Sure enough 30 seconds later my friend was silently released down my trouser leg and I waiting patiently for the offending smell to hit the first victim.
One by one… the rows behind and in front began to fall… the smell this time being so strong that eyes were watering and kids were retching.. this was a really bad one, even by my standards!
My wife glared at me know I was the likely culprit but I protested my innocence and joined in with the condemnation.
The heavy smell of rotten eggs drifted forth to the front cabin crew and one sweet young girl of about 14 who appeared to be travelling alone. (Turned out she was 12 and travelling to see her grandparents)
She retched twice and then immediately threw up over the cabin crew directly in front of her. The poor soul was covered head to toe in vomit
To cut a story short… the flight was turned around and we flew back to the airport
We suffered a 5 hour wait until the cabin crew managed to find a spare uniform and the plane was deep cleaned
The girl didn’t catch the flight to Majorca either
When I eventually told my wife a few days later and confessed all, she didn’t talk to me for three days.
I’ll save my blocking the toilet story for another day