Farting

Similar to Rauku, but other end of the age spectrum. Twenty five years ago I had a minging hangover and went into a bakery for a much needed pasty. A mother and toddler followed me into the shop, the bairn was no more than four or five years old. As I made my purchase an absolute silent belter escaped. A skunk couldn’t have topped it. It was eye wateringly sulphuric. I was about to mumble an embarrassed apology when the mother gave the bairn a smack on the back of his legs and a right telling off, beginning with, “what have I told you about making smells?!!” To my eternal shame I slunk out of the shop with the poor kid’s wailing words, “mummy, I didn’t!” ringing in my ears. I can still feel the poor lad’s burning injustice and I’m not proud.
 
I went to a pub in M"bro to visit a member of the family as part of my job.
Just as I was ready to leave his Mum (around 36/38 yrs old came in and asked me how things had gone , he asked me not to tell her so I explained that without his permission I couldn't tell her. She started ranting and the lad left the room. I stood up and she jumped up in temper letting out a sharp parp. She froze on the spot and looked horrified. I thought it was funny but not as bad as her so gnored it. I walked towards the flat door that led into the pub but couldn't get the lock to turn. I asked her how to do it and she tried to tell me but I couldn't do it. She hadn't moved and eventually I asked her to do it. She went bright red but never moved. Eventually I asked her again and she moved towards me so slowly. She had a pair of shorts on that were baggy and looked like a skirt. After about 3 steps a turd about 2 inches long fell out of her shorts. We both looked at it and she walked to the door opened it and out into the pubs office. I visited around a dozen more times but she never came in to see me again 💩😁
 
I once did a big pump , in the presence of my wife .
It was note for note the first ( very long note ) and the next seven notes of the theme tune of Jonny Briggs...
I then mouth hummed the remaining notes ..

I've never came close to repeating such musicality
 
The only positive from my wife losing her sense of smell due to covid is i can fart quietly whenever i want and she hasnt got a clue.
 
Many years ago my lass cooked a dish called an onion tartlet which contained semi-cooked onions, now known to play havoc with my guts.

The following morning I was guffing farts of incredible length, volume and stench every 30 seconds or so. I managed to clear the top deck of the rush-hour No.1 bus from Heaton to the centre of Newcastle bar one girl who was paralysed with laughter every time my missus gave me a rollicking after another thunderpump. I am still proud of that achievement.

The onion tartlet has never been on the menu since!
 
I dropped an absolute rotten one in the lift at work once. Just couldn’t help it, one of those sulphurous ones that comes without warning and you can’t hold. Slowest lift ride of my life, the lift stopped at 4 floors as people go in and out..

I just concurred with a lady who said how disgusting it was and who on earth would do such a thing in such a confined space. I pinned it on the fella who got out the floor before us and said I heard him do it.
 
I always blame one of my kids, then start belting out the following to the tune of Chesney Hawkes, starting with the name of whichever one I’ve decided to blame.

“” is the biggest stinker, no body smells worse than them.


Funniest one for me was the Eiffel Tower.Having been eating French food for a couple of days along with drinking a lot of beer I was pungent. Let a long slow silent one drift out just I was getting out of the top lift. Glanced over my shoulder to see the horrified look on the faces as the masses squeezed into it, knowing they had to breathe it in all the way down, coughing and choking, I swear I noticed a few eyes starting to water as well 😝
 
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Had been to the old Wembley to watch England/Northern Ireland, midweek game. Needed to get back to Hampshire after starting with the tube which was packed. Managed to just about squeeze in wedged just inside the door.

Soon after I coughed in my rompers. It was horrendous. It stayed with us for many stops.

They weren’t happy!
 
Sheriff_John_Bunnell_ret said:
A while ago my farts stopped smelling. It was fantastic. As long as I could manage to squeak a quiet one out I could get away with it. I lost all inhibitions about letting one go. Work meetings, bah mitzvahs, lifts, weddings, funerals. Anywhere was fair game. Then I stopped smoking and my sense of smell came back.
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Same for me. The only problem is they can be loud though.
Have to be careful when teaching. Doing alright so far. Find a quiet spot at a break.
As we use to say in my old team, 'I you can't laugh at farting you must be dead.'
 
I have long been blessed with the ability to do ”silent but deadly’s” since I was a kid. However my proudest achievement over all these years comes with the effect that air travel has on my “bottom burps”

No idea if it’s a change in pressure thing or the food/drink but my god the results are perversely fantastic… and being silent means I can loudly protest my displeasure and disgust whilst secretly revelling in the joy of one’s creation

The most memorable was a flight to Majorca a few years back (no dates/details to protect the innocent 😉)

Barely 10 mins after take off I was happily settling into the flight when the familiar rumble began to brew. Knowing what was coming I prepared my defence of opening my book to look like I was not the guilty party once my “friend” arrived.

Sure enough 30 seconds later my friend was silently released down my trouser leg and I waiting patiently for the offending smell to hit the first victim.

One by one… the rows behind and in front began to fall… the smell this time being so strong that eyes were watering and kids were retching.. this was a really bad one, even by my standards!

My wife glared at me know I was the likely culprit but I protested my innocence and joined in with the condemnation.

The heavy smell of rotten eggs drifted forth to the front cabin crew and one sweet young girl of about 14 who appeared to be travelling alone. (Turned out she was 12 and travelling to see her grandparents)

She retched twice and then immediately threw up over the cabin crew directly in front of her. The poor soul was covered head to toe in vomit

To cut a story short… the flight was turned around and we flew back to the airport 🙈

We suffered a 5 hour wait until the cabin crew managed to find a spare uniform and the plane was deep cleaned

The girl didn’t catch the flight to Majorca either 🙈🙈🙈

When I eventually told my wife a few days later and confessed all, she didn’t talk to me for three days.















I’ll save my blocking the toilet story for another day
 
In Barbados with a few pals one year, we'd been out for curry and beer the night before. One of the boys had sampled all the hottest dishes on the menu. The following morning out on the beach we'd positioned ourselves close to a toilet block so he wouldn't be caught short when the moment of truth came.

For about an hour he'd been emitting the most appalling smells every ten minutes. People even 30 yards away were sniffing the air and talking about blocked drains.

Unfortunately for him when the moment came, it was right after a volleyball game ended and there were about 10 people waiting in line for the toilets.

He sprinted down the sand and into the sea and spent the next ten minutes swimming awkwardly up and down - his shorts round his ankles - while he unloaded all the curry from the night before.

And then he was fine, and thankfully pristine. No mess anywhere, and no farting either.

But as the morning went by, we noticed a terrible smell pervading everywhere. There was a sort of browny yellow film on the sea about 40 yards off the beach. Boats and canoes were coming in to the beach with yellow stains down the sides.

Somebody called the hotel manager who appeared on the beach in a suit and tie and apologised to everyone for "algae bloom" in the sea.

We'd didn't go back to the Indian restaurant.
 
Whilst the wife was at work I thought I`d help myself to a couple of black pudding and bacon sarnies

Naturally through the day they started to break down and release their glorious bacon infused smell ( you know the type, the ones you can`t run away from because they're that thick you drag them around with you from room to room)

Anyway the time came to pick the wife up from work

Jump in the car and on the way let out the most glorious traf (btw that`s fart backwards ;) ) I`ve ever released

The wife jumps in, sniffs " mmmmm, I can smell bacon " and nakes another sniff

" Yeh I had a couple for breakfast" I replied

Then the realisation set in, the look of disgust on her face was priceless

I was in tears
 
My view is if you’re going to do it, put the effort in and make it loud and accompany with a Richie Benaud-esque ‘confident appeal from the Australians there’
 
I think one or more of you dirty fookers sit behind me at the match, because it was absolutely rotten at times today 😷
 
The dog has just let a silent one off before sloping off the sofa and out into the garden, tail wagging.
 
Early 20's working in a small office with a couple of other lads.. one morning we all just started chuffing, soon became a competition.. must have been 10-15 mins in.. when office admin lass opened the office door to deliver the mail..

I'll never forget the gag of disgust & contemptuous throwing in of the post.. 'dirty b****d's' as post hit the floor..

We opened the windows..
 
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