Dementia: Said goodbye...

r00fie1 said:
When someone has dementia and the more you see them, the less the person is the one you once knew.
Hard to sustain clinical separation from emotions.
Anyone else been in this boat?
Click to expand...
Happening to my Dad right now but we're all kind of pretending that is isn't. He hasn't been diagnosed with dementia but we can all see the signs. He knows that there's something wrong himself and I have to go over there and babysit him so that he doesn't burn the house down when my Mam is out doing her own thing. He's still in there somewhere though. He has good days and bad days. It's an awful and really cruel thing.
 
me & two brothers take it in turns looking after our mother, 86, who is several years down the dementia road. the stress of looking after her has a big knock on effect for all of us, and our families - getting to the difficult stage where we'd like to get her into a care home, for all our sakes.
 
Awful illness. It took my mum. She was a very proud woman and cared deeply about her appearance, what people thought of her etc, and step by step the condition took everything away from her. Horrible to watch it happen. I found the easiest thing to do was just be with her in her world and not to disagree and correct her, but it does take a fine degree of detachment to do that, and not everyone can.
 
HarryVegas said:
Awful illness. It took my mum. She was a very proud woman and cared deeply about her appearance, what people thought of her etc, and step by step the condition took everything away from her. Horrible to watch it happen. I found the easiest thing to do was just be with her in her world and not to disagree and correct her, but it does take a fine degree of detachment to do that, and not everyone can.
Click to expand...
I need to try and get some sleep now if I can get any but I'm sorry to hear about your Mum Harry. And I think that you're right. All that you can really do is try to spend as much time with your loved ones as you can when they're getting older and having problems and that's why I moved back to Teesside. I don't give a crap about myself but my parents mean the world to me and it's horrible seeing my Dad deteriorating like this.
 
bumface said:
I need to try and get some sleep now if I can get any but I'm sorry to hear about your Mum Harry. And I think that you're right. All that you can really do is try to spend as much time with your loved ones as you can when they're getting older and having problems and that's why I moved back to Teesside. I don't give a crap about myself but my parents mean the world to me and it's horrible seeing my Dad deteriorating like this.
Click to expand...
It's just hard is all it is mate. Just be as kind to yourself as you are to him, you're important.
 
My dad's got Alzheimer's must have had in going on 10years. He's in the latter stages all i would say is dont be hard on yourself, just being there even when they are past the stage of knowing who you are, the simplest things like holding their hand you are still a huge comfort to them. The other thing I always take comfort in is he's had a long and happy life. When you compare that to young onset dementia cases I can't imagine how much more cruel and heartbreaking that must be for families.
 
My Mother had it for 10years+ - She was diagnosed early on and it was a gradual decline. I'm thankful for that because it helped prepare us for the inevitable. In the end my mam didn't recognise me and thought she was living in the pub.

A truly awful illness and my heart goes out to anyone having to live with a suffering loved one.
 
Been so rapid.
Y`day Mam sat in her chair in her care home and told sis "I just want to sit here and die".
She couldnt recognise anyone.
Physically she has also given up.
Had a heart attack day before the Reading game..
Decline mentally has been so rapid.
18 months ago we got her in a care home after a battle with Adult Social Care and Social Services..
Only our sis can see her because her home is in lock - down.
I got sent a photograph yesterday.
If I ring - she doesnt know who I am.
Dad went with the same thing in 2019.
Its much easier when its someone else`s relative you are nursing and caring for.

 
r00fie1 said:
Been so rapid.
Y`day Mam sat in her chair in her care home and told sis "I just want to sit here and die".
She couldnt recognise anyone.
Physically she has also given up.
Had a heart attack day before the Reading game..
Decline mentally has been so rapid.
18 months ago we got her in a care home after a battle with Adult Social Care and Social Services..
Only our sis can see her because her home is in lock - down.
I got sent a photograph yesterday.
If I ring - she doesnt know who I am.
Dad went with the same thing in 2019.
Its much easier when its someone else`s relative you are nursing and caring for.
Click to expand...
Sorry to hear that mate - Reading that makes me think where do you get the strength from but while you are going through it, you somehow find it.
 
r00fie1 said:
Been so rapid.
Y`day Mam sat in her chair in her care home and told sis "I just want to sit here and die".
She couldnt recognise anyone.
Physically she has also given up.
Had a heart attack day before the Reading game..
Decline mentally has been so rapid.
18 months ago we got her in a care home after a battle with Adult Social Care and Social Services..
Only our sis can see her because her home is in lock - down.
I got sent a photograph yesterday.
If I ring - she doesnt know who I am.
Dad went with the same thing in 2019.
Its much easier when its someone else`s relative you are nursing and caring for.
Click to expand...
So sorry to read this mate. It can happen literally overnight. My mum had been forgetful and other mild symptoms but then one day she furtively led me up the corridor and begged me to help her escape, as the staff had all been murdered and replaced by clones, and she was going to be next. I almost laughed in shock but to her it was real and terrifying. Luckily that level of paranoia receded a bit but she went rapidly downhill afterwards.

As I said to bumface, it's just hard mate. Look after you first, she needs you to be in good shape.
 
Really sad to read about these poor people and the impact this awful affliction has on their family.

We're just entering the early stages with my mother in law. It's already a challenge sometimes and I am trying to keep everyone upbeat, but it's obviously going to be rough.

Sympathy to the people who have been, or currently are in, similar circumstances. Truly heart breaking.
 
Stay strong r00fie1. Lost me Mam at the height of Covid and did not see her for 3 months prior to her leaving us. It's heartbreaking but we, as a family, stuck together and have come out stronger because of it. My brother refused to see her and could not hack it but no malice towards him as it it takes people in different ways. She did not recognise my Dad and when he died we did not tell her, which we thought was the best thing to do. I can honestly say that her passing was a release, hard to say, for the whole family as the pain watching her demise was so painful. We celebrate her life every year without fail.

With regards to estates etc: Make sure you sort out Power of Attorney etc or you will have to go down the Court protection route which is a long process for some reason.
 
It's a shock the first time they say something completely nonsensical. The grieving process starts there I guess. I found, with my dad, that he made sense if you imagine he had a virtual reality headset that you don't have. Or like the 'holo-deck' in Star Treck e.g. It's the 1960s, he's in the pub with friends. You are an avatar for someone else. Also it seemed to only happen after sundown, to begin with.
 
Last edited:
The sundown thing is very common, the best thing is to try and keep them occupied and with not enough time to overthink things.
I'll never forget the day I got back from Blackburn away and my wife told me that my parents had been round and that dad had said to her "there's a strange lady in the car" meaning mam who he's been with for the best part of 60 years.
That completely destroyed me.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top