Dad Jokes - all welcome!

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

The the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy...

"It's a puppy!"
 
Three elderly professors attending an academic conference took advantage of the sunshine during their lunch break and walked to a nearby park. They sat on a bench and chatted while watching people passing.

A group of attractive young ladies strolled past the bench, all wearing light and revealing clothing, and one of the profs mused, "I wonder what is the collective noun for 'Ladies of the Night'?"

  • After considerable thought, the Professor of Applied Linguistics in the Department of English Language suggested, "Perhaps a Bake, of Tarts?"
  • "An excellent answer", replied the Professor of World Literature in English, "but erroneous. The correct collective noun would be a Flourish! As in, 'a Flourish of Strumpets'."
The two professors chuckled at their wit as the third still pondered the question.

  • "I am afraid, despite your splendid suggestions, you are both wrong my friends. The proper collective noun for a group of ladies of that profession would be an Anthology", announced the Regius Professor of English Language and Literature, confidently.
  • "How the devil do you claim that?"
  • "We are in England are we not?" On receiving affirmation from the two colleagues, "thus it must surely follow such a group would be 'an Anthology of English Prose'."
 
HarryVegas said:
I was invited last week to two parties. One was for Burns Night and the other for the Chinese New Year. I couldn't decide which to attend but eventually went to a combined one called Chinese Burns Night. I wasn't going to go but someone twisted my arm.
Click to expand...
Used that one on my Scottish boss last week and he didn't get it.
 
An old lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

'Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you are not wearing anything under your dress, and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman earnestly.

The woman looked down. then back up at the man and replied...

"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
 
A patient hasn’t been feeling well and he goes to the emergency department. After waiting a while, his cellphone rings, and it’s the doctor.

Patient - “Uh hi, Doc, why are you calling me on my cellphone?”

Doctor - “I have bad news, it seems you’ve had some bad luck. Your tests came back and you have a cross between Ebola, rabies and the plague.”

Patient - “That’s terrible. What are we going to do?”

Doctor - “Well, we’re going to start you on the Triple P diet.”

Patient - “The Triple P diet? What’s that, and will it help?

Doctor - “Triple P stands for pizza, pita bread, and pancakes. Not sure it will help, but those are the only foods that we can slip under the door””
 
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Today I put on my sensible walking boots and a rucksack, picked up my walking stick and went up to the Lake District. I walked for about five miles, stopped, sat on a stone wall and had a coffee from my Thermos and some lovely oatmeal biscuits. Then I walked a further five miles, had a chunk of Kendal Mint Cake and then I…

… sorry, I'm rambling!
 
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