A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the assistant,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope!" I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant this burning question. The assistant responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
A married couple were walking down Linthorpe Road. The wife says to the husband “Will you slow down, I’ve got a stone in me shoe”. The husband replies “A stone? You must have 15 stone in the other one then”.
Chap wakes up in hospital after a horrendous car crash. After a couple of minutes he stars screaming “ nurse, nurse , I can’t feel my legs! “ To which the nurse replied “ of course you can’t, we’ve had to amputate your arms!!”