Dad Jokes - all welcome!

FatCat

Well-known member
The Middlesbrough FC manager Neil Warnock flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play soccer. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over and sign for Middlesbrough .

Two weeks later they are 3-0 down with only 20 minutes left, the young Iraqi gets the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 2 goals, sets up another 2 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Boro. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in the Championship league..

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3-0 down but I scored 2 goals, set up 2 more and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, now your brother has joined a gang of drug dealers, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your fault we came to fuc*in Middlesbrough in the first place!'
 
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swordtrombonefish

Well-known member
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -1 change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his bluddy widow..."
 
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