Dad Jokes - all welcome!


It's clinically proven that patches are the best way to stop smoking......put one over each eye and you can't find your fags


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I started a new diet which is just masses of garlic, broccoli, beans & radishes.

You don't lose weight but you look slimmer from a distance.


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Just had a guy round to do some decorating, he used to be an airline pilot until this pandemic and lost his job. I went to check on his work, the bedroom and kitchen were ok but his landing was brilliant.


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One night a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when a guy I know a bit, Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, blinding him in it. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly he disappeared - along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd 'bonded' during the time after his injuries, eloping together and leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from cotton eye Joe?


I went to a book club last year, they were throwing around copies of Stephen King books, I couldn’t figure out why, then IT hit me.

I was at the library and asked the librarian where the books on paranoia were kept, she whispered to me very gently they are just behind you.