Dad Jokes - all welcome!

That trick where you pretend to search in your pocket and pull out a V-sign is even better when you do it to a friend’s new baby.
 
A bloke goes to a fancy new restaurant and asks for the menu.

'We don't have menus' said the waiter. 'We will make you whatever you ask for' 'Absolutely anything'.

'Anything?' the man replies.

'Yes, just try us.'

'Ok' says the man with a wry grin...'I'll have an Rhino tusk sandwich please'

The waiter doesn't even flinch and says he be right back with the food.

20 minutes go by and the waiter returns.

'I'm terribly sorry sir, but we've got no bread'
 
  • A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
  • What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
  • She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
 
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