Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[FatCat]

I’d never let my children watch an orchestra

there’s too much sax and violins

 

[FatCat]

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong

Coles Law is basically just cabbage

 

[Blf]

Had some decorating done today by a Furloughed Virgin Pilot who is trying to set up a new business.
Some of it was a bit poor but the landing is superb.

 

[TheBoroBuzzard]

If I had £1 for every maths exam I have failed, I would have £7.30

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high.
She looked surprised.

 

[Holgatewall]

There was a strike in a factory.

After a while the shop steward came down to address the workers.

Lads ,he said: we have an agreement with management that gives you all enhanced holiday pay, an extra hundred pound a week and an improved bonus scheme.

On top of this you only need to work on a Wednesday.

A voice pipes up from the crowd. .. What, every bloody Wednesday?

 

[Nash]

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?


Ten tickles

How do you know a tickle me Elmo works?..... Give him a test tickle.

 

[Corco65]

My son came home yesterday with a leather Chesterfield which some fella gave him.

Today he's brought home a reclining couch with matching chairs, off another fella.

I wish he wouldn't take suites off strangers.

 

[festa5]

Have you heard about those new courderoy pillows?

They're making headlines.

 

[Lefty]

"I'd love to hear a musical arrangement of a blackbird's song"

"Orchestral?"

"No, just a blackbird"

 

[El Guapo]

My wife went to the carribean last week. Jamaica? No, she wanted to go.

why should you never pick a fight with Father Christmas? Because Santa Claus.

 

[A]

A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.50. In the Bahamas it’s $2.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

 

[FatCat]

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

 

[Liamo]

I accused my wife of putting glue on my antique weapon collection.

She has denied it of course, but I’m sticking to my guns!

 

[Holgatewall]

Whats the difference between Dubai and Abbu Dhabi?

Dubai don't get The Flintstones...

..but Abbu Dhabi doòo.

 

[TheBoroBuzzard]

I was thinking of telling a joke about Sodium, but I thought, Na, they wont get it.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I was thinking of telling a joke about Sodium, but I thought, Na, they wont get it.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.

 

[Holgatewall]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.

Looks like we are getting the wrong element around here now

 

[r00fie1]

Why do Leeds United fans wear slip-on shoes?
You need an I.Q of at least 4 to tie shoelaces


.....I`l get my coat.......

 

[Lefty]