Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Simone Lee.Nope! I'm lost with the Bruce Lee granddaughter bit of the jokes
Sim only
Nurse “you may not feel anything from the waist down”
Patient “just yer t*ts then”
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
Sim only
Nurse “you may not feel anything from the waist down”
Patient “just yer t*ts then”
SalfordBoro
Well-known member
Still none the wiser
SalfordBoro
Well-known member
On the subject of mobile phones .... My mate kept teasing me about only having a pay as you go phone. All the time he would go on about it. “You’ve only got a pay as you go phone”!!! So in the end I got fed up and took out a contract… and had him shot
SalfordBoro
Well-known member
But did you hear about Bruce Lee's grandson, Monopo - he's done very well for himself as a property magnate
SalfordBoro
Well-known member
I've heard Simone's business is not doing very well, it's in the hands of the receiver - is that the punch line?
SalfordBoro
Well-known member
FFS how did I not get thatSimone Lee.
Sim only
Nurse “you may not feel anything from the waist down”
Patient “just yer t*ts then”
A woman came home late after a girls’ night out and quietly opened the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two. She took
a baseball bat from a closet and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could.
Then she went to the kitchen to have a drink and there was her husband, reading a magazine. He looked up and said, “Hi, darling. Your parents came to visit so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
From under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two. She took
a baseball bat from a closet and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could.
Then she went to the kitchen to have a drink and there was her husband, reading a magazine. He looked up and said, “Hi, darling. Your parents came to visit so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
dooderooni
Well-known member
I went to a fancy dress party the other day with a woman on my back. The host asked what I'd come as? "A turtle," I replied, "and this is Michelle".
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Glass coffins, will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Remains to be seen.
Defender 4x4
Well-known member
A woman takes her car into the garage stating there is a horrendous sound coming from it. The mechanic says take the oasis cd out first.
Proper dad joke
A cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer. His hat was made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest were waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots were made of tissue paper. Halfway through the beer the sheriff barged in and arrested him for rustling.
A cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer. His hat was made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest were waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots were made of tissue paper. Halfway through the beer the sheriff barged in and arrested him for rustling.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Had a terrible day, paid a joiner to build me a double bed and he’s done a bunk.
It’s just one thing on top of another.
It’s just one thing on top of another.
Doom_On_Horseback
Well-known member
I can tell you all I know about dwarfs pretty quickly.
Very little.
Very little.
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Millbrook
Well-known member
A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army "he says, I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way"
The guy says "Yes, a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks. "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am..
I'm not looking for any special treatment you know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job, "the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point coming in for that.".............
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army "he says, I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way"
The guy says "Yes, a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks. "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am..
I'm not looking for any special treatment you know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job, "the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point coming in for that.".............
RavsFan
Well-known member
A guy goes to see his GP as he never lasts very long in the bedroom and it was frustrating his lover. His doctor advised him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the main event.
The man thanked the doctor promising to give it a go.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his factory. He thought about the sick room, but felt that was too risky in case he was seen or heard. He considered the rear yard, but figured that was rightly too unsafe.
Finally, he decide on his solution whilst driving home, in the heat of the moment he pulled his van over on the side of the carriageway in a lay-by. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the van. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to knock one out.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
A voice shouted, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, I think it’s seized."
The officer replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your van rolled into the ditch a few minutes ago."
The man thanked the doctor promising to give it a go.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his factory. He thought about the sick room, but felt that was too risky in case he was seen or heard. He considered the rear yard, but figured that was rightly too unsafe.
Finally, he decide on his solution whilst driving home, in the heat of the moment he pulled his van over on the side of the carriageway in a lay-by. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the van. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to knock one out.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
A voice shouted, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, I think it’s seized."
The officer replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your van rolled into the ditch a few minutes ago."
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Siamese twins walked into a bar in Australia and parked themselves on a bar stool.
One of them said to the bartender, "Don't mind us – we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim.
Two draft Fosters, please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tried to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?”
"Off to America next month," said John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agreed.
"Ah, America!" said the bartender. "Wonderful country! New York,
LA, Vegas ..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," said John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the Yanks with all their political rubbish.”
"So why keep going to America?" asked the bartender.
Jim said, “It’s the only chance I get to drive.”
One of them said to the bartender, "Don't mind us – we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim.
Two draft Fosters, please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tried to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?”
"Off to America next month," said John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agreed.
"Ah, America!" said the bartender. "Wonderful country! New York,
LA, Vegas ..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," said John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the Yanks with all their political rubbish.”
"So why keep going to America?" asked the bartender.
Jim said, “It’s the only chance I get to drive.”