Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[VladKinder]

Went for a date a few weeks back with a Chess Grandmaster.
The table cloth at the restaurant was checkered.
It took her 2 hours to pass me the salt.

 

[Oooo]

I once lived just a stone's throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries.

 

[Liamo]

The former CEO of Ikea has just been appointed the new Prime Minister of Sweden.

He’s expected to spend his first day in office assembling his cabinet.

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

The inventor of the lozenge has died.
There’ll be no coffin at the funeral.

 

[VladKinder]

Be aware of a scam going around.
Emails with the subject "2 free tickets to see Oasis".

If you open it you get 2 tickets to see Oasis.

 

[Millbrook]

One day a man dies and ends up at the pearly gates. He joins the queue to hear a guy a couple of positions ahead ask ‘how did I die?’. St Peter looks at his sheet and says ‘ah… you were hit by a bus but it was really quick and you didn’t feel a thing’

The next guy also asks ‘how did I die?’ and Peter says… ‘ah, you had a massive heart attack, but didn’t know a thing’.

It’s our man’s turn and he also asks the same question. Peter looks at his sheet and says ’ah… yes, you died of old age’.

‘OLD AGE?? There must be a mistake, I’m only 47!!!’

Peter looks back at his sheet and asks ‘so, what did you do when you were on Earth?’

‘I was a lawyer.‘

‘Ahhh… ‘ says St Peter ‘that explains it. According to your chargeable hours you were 92’.

 

[VladKinder]

 

[The_Unicorn]

I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a two Ronnie's DVD?

 

[Muttley]

Ian Tevvey is the brother of the lead singer from The Hollies

 

[asredastheycome]

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

I’m just downloading the Titanic soundtrack
It’s syncing right now.

 

[dooderooni]

Ian Tevvey is the brother of the lead singer from The Hollies

Took me a minute to get this one

 

[Brick_Tamland]

I went to the doctor the other week as I've been having trouble with my hearing. He said "ok, can you tell me what the symptoms are?", so I said "yeah, they're a yellow cartoon family..."

Got that from here years ago

 

[The_Unicorn]

As I was leaving work today phoned the wife to ask if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on the way home?

She just grunted.

Think she still regrets letting me name our kids

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

Some friends just moved house and I was stuck for a housewarming gift. So I bought them a radiator.

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says “I think I might be a typo”

 

[Muttley]

Check your vinyl collection for this rarity

 

[Muttley]

This just in...

Police have confirmed that the person who fell from the 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer

Bruce Lee's granddaughter Simone has fallen on hard times, she's now selling mobile phone packages.

We leave with this thought, 3026 years from today life will be either really good or really bad - it's 5050

 

[SalfordBoro]

This just in...

Police have confirmed that the person who fell from the 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer

Bruce Lee's granddaughter Simone has fallen on hard times, she's now selling mobile phone packages.

We leave with this thought, 3026 years from today life will be either really good or really bad - it's 5050

Nope! I'm lost with the Bruce Lee granddaughter bit of the jokes

 

[ThePrisoner]

Nope! I'm lost with the Bruce Lee granddaughter bit of the jokes

Does she sell phones as well or just...