Dad Jokes - all welcome!

An Irishman is sitting in a pub. In the same pub are three Englishmen.

"Look how angry I'm going to make this Irishman," says one of the Englishmen. He goes up to the Irishman and says, "Saint Patrick was an asshole."

"Oh my," says the Irishman. "I didn't know."

The Englishman returns to his friends, disappointed. "Let me try," says one of his friends. He in turn goes up to the Irishman and says, "Saint Patrick was a coward, a liar and a thief."

"Oh really?" says the Irishman. "I didn't know."

The Englishmen are disappointed. "I have an idea," says the third one. "You'll see how angry he'll get."

He goes up to the Irishman and says, "Saint Patrick was English."

"Yes, I know," says the Irishman. "Your friends have already explained it to me."
 
An Irish lad brings a girl home to meet his mum.

"what do you do then" asks his mum

"I'm a prostitute" replies the girl.

His mum screams and immediately faints with shock.

After a few minutes she finally comes round. She looks up at the girl and says

"sorry about that dear, for a minute there I thought you'd said protestant".
 
Overheard two women talking in the pub. One said she was 16 when she found out she didn't really have to blow
 
Another version with a good response;

A Zen Buddhist goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything!”

The vendor makes a dog with all the condiments, hands it to the Buddhist. The Buddhist gives the vendor a $20. The vendor puts the bill in his cash drawer and goes on to the next customer. The Buddhist says “Hey, what about my change?”

The vendor says, “Change, my son, must come from within!”
 
Renee Descartes decides to stop at a cafe one afternoon and sits at a small table. A waiter comes by soon after and Descartes orders an espresso.

The waiter then asks if Descartes would like a croissant as well. Descartes pauses a moment to consider, then says, “I think not” and immediately vanishes in a puff of smoke.
 
‘‘The bond’s Name. James Name’’
Pleased to… what?
‘’Bond Name’s the James’’
Are you alright?
‘’Bame Nond’s having a stronk. Call a Bondulance’’
 
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”

Bond taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”
 
Went to the doctor due to severe constipation.
He told me to bend over. I did and he pulled a tenner from my bum, then another, then another.
Finally he finishes and there is a big pile of tenners on his desk.
Confused Dr says to me "There must be £1,900 here!".

I reply "I thought I didn't feel two grand" :rolleyes:
 
VladKinder said:
Went to the doctor due to severe constipation.
He told me to bend over. I did and he pulled a tenner from my bum, then another, then another.
Finally he finishes and there is a big pile of tenners on his desk.
Confused Dr says to me "There must be £1,900 here!".

I reply "I thought I didn't feel two grand" :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Tight arsse
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top