Grieving...

My younger brother would have been 60 this saturday, he passed away when he was 53, we were so very close & I think I'm such into the Boro because of him & my dad

My brother & I travelled all over following the Boro, he would phone me every other day & our conversation was always the Boro, he was such a massive Boro fan, far better than I am, was

Lets hope the Boro win on saturday, his birthday, for my brother & dad watching down on me
 
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It doesn't go away but gets easier, as far as my experience goes anyway. I lost my mum in 1992, when I was aged 14. It hit me hard and my world fell apart. I wasn't a great teenager after that and it took me a long time to come to terms with what had happened. My dad felt it just as much, if not more. He wasn't a great dad after that and it took me a very long time to understand why. It wasn't until I was 30 and planning to get married to my amazing wife that I came to terms with the dad he became and learned to live with grief. By then, he had also died, having suffered a series of strokes and lived in a home for around 7 years. I don't often grieve them anymore but sometimes think of them. Sometimes with regret and sometimes with happiness. It's not a permanent dark cloud like it was years ago.
 
weegord, don’t know if you have ever see anyone before, but I did some sessions cruse bereavement. It helped me no end.

I bottled things up and kidded myself for 8 years. If you haven’t seen anyone get in touch with them if you feel it’s something for you. It’s free and they give you 6 sessions.

It still doesn’t getting any easier but allows you to wrap your head around it more
 
RedAsABeetroot said:
With grandparents it's a bit weird. I'm sure when I was young they were almost just old relatives. As I've matured, or perhaps now they aren't around, I've realised that they were all unique and I learnt different things from each of them.
At times I feel like a fool for not understanding what I had at the time.
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I was really close to my nana & pop, my dads side, cant remember my mams parents

So close that when I was to become a grandparent, as now, I wanted to be callsd 'pop' after him
 
Erimus74 said:
My younger brother would have been 60 this saturday, he passed away when he was 53, we were so very close & I think I'm such into the Boro because of him & my dad

My brother & I travelled all over following the Boro, he would phone me every other day & our conversation was always the Boro, he was such a massive Boro fan, far better than I am, was

Lets hope the Boro win on saturday, his birthday, for my brother & dad watching down on me
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My brother and me went to the match together from the mid 70's until well into the 2000's, home and away.

He would have been 60 last year and died aged 53.

Let's hope for 3 points on Saturday for all of us.
 
Thanks all for the very, very kind words and the support shown - it's over 2 years ago now that I lost my Dad and for the most part have come to live with it and accept it. There's not an hour of my life passes without him being on my mind but as time has passed I remember more and more of the good times rather than dwelling on him no longer being here and that is a great help. I just sometimes get a little overwhelmed from nowhere and all of a sudden it hits you like a sledgehammer as happended on Wednesday night when I posted.

It's something that affects us all of course and from the many messages I can see that we've all had to deal with the pain of losing those closest to us. What I will say about this board is that for all the disagreements that sometimes get a little out of hand and for all the differing views and opinions EVERYONE unites and helps each other out when they're in need of help or support and it's a priceless thing to have. For any criticims that people sometimes have about the place I think it's home to the warmest, most compassionate anonymous people I've ever come across.
 
Nothing comes for free and the price we have to pay for the good times is the despair of loss and knowing nothing will ever be the same again, it's not cheap but an absolute bargain given the happiness that those shared times bring.

Personally, for me, I don't think it gets easier just less frequent but the hurt still cuts as deep when it comes, I think sometimes the braver the face we show the more we can harm ourselves and others around us who want to help, we can shut them out and try to be 'strong' until we realise there's nothing 'stronger' than being honest in how we feel and opening ourselves up to be loved by friends and family again.

Grief and loss become dark companions that we see a lot of at times and once we've met them we never fully lose their acquaintance no matter how hard we try, we learn to tolerate and mitigate but their shadow still casts long and deep, but there always comes a time when we have a break from the shade and have our moments in the sunlight when the good memories outweigh all.
 
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I will be getting ready in 30 minutes to go to the funeral of an old neighbour of my parents and will be taking my dad. This person was really good to me over the years and also to my two sons when they were born.

No doubt it will jog memories of my mother's passing for both my dad and I and will be a difficult day.

I've laughed though, I got a call from my dad yesterday regarding the funeral and I told him that I would pick him up at 12:30 today. 10 minutes later there was a knock on the door and my dad was all ready to go to the funeral, he honestly thought it was Friday yesterday. Typical to him he said, "I wonder if there are any tea dances on then".
 
I lost my partner of over 20 years, three years ago yesterday. All after losing my Mam and Dad shortly before. ‘Twas awful for the first year and then, whilst the pain was still there, it started to ease. Still miss him everyday and it took sometime to remember the good times, of which there were so many. I now try to do something positive, or at least productive, in the few days leading up to the anniversary as it means I am not thinking about it constantly. Just finished painting the kitchen and I chuckled thinking it’s what he would have wanted, whilst sitting there making sure I didn’t miss a bit!!! My only advice on this subject, particularly for those that have multiple losses over a short period of time is that, in my experience, is that you can only grieve for one person at a time and, whilst that can lead to feeling of guilt, the people you loved and always will would understand. Anyway WG all the best, you are not alone.
 
Cuthbert said:
I have lost two 'life' partners. I wasn't married to either, but together with each of them for ten years. The first died suddenly from a heart attack, the second from cancer a few weeks in to the first lockdown. Both pretty horrendous, but I knew second time round that I could get through it because I managed to the first time. The pain was much worse than when parents/grandparents died, because as someone's 'child' you have to expect that. I think I'm somewhat put off falling for another partner now though, as I don't want to go through it a third time!! - As I said in a previous post, I got through it by bawling my eyes out when no one was looking!! I think being able to do that, and not bottling it up or keeping it internalised really helped - everyone is different though, so it may not work for all.

As Erimus mentioned earlier in the thread, and John67 above, keeping busy is also pretty important in my experience.

A sad fact of life is that everyone you love will die..... unless you do first!

Good luck all :)
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Made me bawl that Cuthbert,remember we are all in this together.
The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don’t wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy...Buddha
 
I don't want to go in to details about my personal life because I don't want to make this thread about me. I just want to give my best wishes to WeeGord and anyone else who is feeling that kind of pain. Grief is horrible but it's a part of life and you do learn how to deal with it eventually even if it never really goes away.
 
I lost my Dad 20 years ago and my Mum 10 years ago. I still miss them and what would I give to enjoy Sunday dinner with them both again.

Over the years I have found a great way for me to cope. I give myself permission to take some time out to remember the good memories we had as a family over the years. I block the memories of the cancer and dementia that took them away. To help my kids cope we said that there are two more stars in the sky at night, I still get a warm feeling when I look at the stars.

I also managed to get divorced between my parents dying. I learnt to cherish the things that I have and to let go of the of the emotions surrounding the things that I have lost. This enabled me to have a much better relationship with my kids and those close to me. It also helped me cope with my Mums dementia.

Respect to all of you who have lost someone close.
 
Cuthbert said:
I have lost two 'life' partners. I wasn't married to either, but together with each of them for ten years. The first died suddenly from a heart attack, the second from cancer a few weeks in to the first lockdown. Both pretty horrendous, but I knew second time round that I could get through it because I managed to the first time. The pain was much worse than when parents/grandparents died, because as someone's 'child' you have to expect that. I think I'm somewhat put off falling for another partner now though, as I don't want to go through it a third time!! - As I said in a previous post, I got through it by bawling my eyes out when no one was looking!! I think being able to do that, and not bottling it up or keeping it internalised really helped - everyone is different though, so it may not work for all.

As Erimus mentioned earlier in the thread, and John67 above, keeping busy is also pretty important in my experience.

A sad fact of life is that everyone you love will die..... unless you do first!

Good luck all :)
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I’m so sorry you had to go through that twice Cuthbert that must have been heartbreaking. I lost my wife to cancer just under 10 months ago aged 47 and I can honestly say it’s the most devastating thing that can happen to a couple. It’s not just actually losing them it’s also those last months of knowing what’s going to happen and feeling so helpless as there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change things.

For me…distraction is the best way to cope I’m trying to keep busy and have a very active social life, it’s working so far but the times at home on my own can be very challenging. Grief tends to come in waves it’s not linear and although time helps as you become more used to your situation I can’t say that it ever heals.

Wee Gord I feel your pain and all I can advise is to look back and remember the good times and how lucky you were to have that person in your life and to have been loved by them.
 
Cuthbert said:
El_Owen, I feel for you mate. It does get better though. For me the first twelve months each time was the hardest. It's difficult not to think "this time last year" about any events... when your partner was still alive. Christmas, New Year, birthday dates, summer, anniversary - all those things. After that first year I found it less painful thinking back (because it had already happened by then, if you see what I mean). It became easier to think of all the good times fondly, rather than dwelling as much on the loss.

I find lyrics in songs really get me still. If a song catches you off guard, and has some really poignant lyrics in it, it can still be a bit of a choker!!

Very best of luck with your 'journey'.
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Thanks for those kind words mate.

You are absolutely right about the “this time last year” syndrome for want of a better phrase. I keep telling myself that once I get to the end of May things will be easier.

There are certain songs that I just can’t listen to anymore and I freeze when they come up on the radio. I’ve found myself buying a lot of new music instead as a consequence…its a nice treat to buy a record once a week and it gives me new music to listen to with no memories attached.

I hope you continue with your recovery.
 
Cuthbert said:
I have lost two 'life' partners. I wasn't married to either, but together with each of them for ten years. The first died suddenly from a heart attack, the second from cancer a few weeks in to the first lockdown. Both pretty horrendous, but I knew second time round that I could get through it because I managed to the first time. The pain was much worse than when parents/grandparents died, because as someone's 'child' you have to expect that. I think I'm somewhat put off falling for another partner now though, as I don't want to go through it a third time!! - As I said in a previous post, I got through it by bawling my eyes out when no one was looking!! I think being able to do that, and not bottling it up or keeping it internalised really helped - everyone is different though, so it may not work for all.

As Erimus mentioned earlier in the thread, and John67 above, keeping busy is also pretty important in my experience.

A sad fact of life is that everyone you love will die..... unless you do first!

Good luck all :)
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Mate I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish you and everybody who has lost somebody close to them, the very best from my family to yours.
 
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