Grieving...

I wish I had words of wisdom for you WeeGord, words alone can’t really help. Understanding from those close to you, support from loved ones, their empathy in abundance and allowing yourself the right to release your emotions rather than bottle them up all play a part over time. Try to keep busy where you can and focus where possible on being in good company with good and trusted listerners and keep one eye on your own health and well-being.

Take care WeeGord.
 
I worked for the children's service Forge me Not at Teesside Hospice and the way I explained grief to kids is it is like a big box we carry about with us. We can put the box down and play and then pick the box up again. After a time, the box gets smaller but we still carry our box and open it up to look inside and this is ok.

Make sure you take time for yourself and remember it is good to show your emotions and share them with others.
 
I use to share this analogy with the children attending the group sessions and give them a copy of Doris Stickney's book. I have also used it with adults. Please feel free to share this with anyone you feel may benefit from it.



Waterbugs and Dragonflies – Explaining Death to Children​


Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

“Look!” said one of the water bugs to another. “One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?” Up, up, up it slowly went….Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return…
“That’s funny!” said one water bug to another. “Wasn’t she happy here?” asked a second… “Where do you suppose she went?” wondered a third.
No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. “I have an idea”. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why.”
“We promise”, they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings…The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: “The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why.” Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water…

“I can’t return!” he said in dismay. “At least, I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went.”
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air…….

From: “Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children” by Doris Stickney
 
My mum died of cancer last year, which really hit us hard, and on Tuesday my 18 year old cat passed away after fighting an illness for 2 years against all the odds. We made sure he had the best two years possible, but he went quite suddenly and traumatically and my partner is having nightmares about it. Two massive parts of our lives gone.
 
I lost both my parents last year, one went then the other a few weeks later. Traumatic.
After the pain subsided I began to realize that they never die but stay with us in so many ways.. you could call this deep karma. The people we have lost have also helped to form us as we are.. this is also deep karma. We can try to be grateful for what they gave to us.
We are all grieving loss in some form or other. You are not alone at all.
It's not east but try to realize that those who have passed on are still with you. They are not physically present but spiritually present and they need your loving thoughts to help them in their journey beyond. So many things exist that we cannot see.
Actually, it's true that through grief we can actually grow stronger spiritually. It depends how you perceive it.

Be patient and have compassion for yourself. It does take time and a lot quiet reflection.
 
Remember Me by Christina Rossetti





Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you plann'd:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.
 
It’s strange what triggers off a resurgence of the grief sometimes, can be a song, a smell, something you read, anything and the floodgates open.

Lost my mum last year (and our 15 year old dog), brother 7 years ago and dad 25 years ago.

Like others have said you don’t get over it but learn to live with it. I can smile when I think of them, which is a good thing.

It’s not easy though so you have my sympathies.
 
WeeGord said:
It never really end or goes away does it. Acceptance is the key, but dear me it hurts like a motherfu**er forever doesn't it.
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It never does go away and it shouldn’t. If you didn’t love them you wouldn’t miss them. I’ve been vocal on here about losing the owld feller a couple of years ago, what I haven’t shared is that the owld dear popped off a couple of weeks before (a total shock to us all)

I share this now to say I think there was a period of shock and trauma (6-9 months for me) which combined with grief makes it hurt like a motherf**r, I lived through a daze. When the trauma period passed it was like a cloud lifting, I could cope with the grief and started to be able to look back with true love and affection. There are still triggers, as others said above, and they do create dark periods, but the vast majority of the time now I’m proud of what they did, who they were and what they left behind. WeeGord, I share this to say I personally can’t agree it hurts like a MoFo forever, there are times ahead where it eases. It’s different for everyone of course, but I hope you can gain some support from the hope that there can be better times eventually.

Amazingly it also helped me to have messages of support from a bunch of total strangers on a football fan site - how weird is that!!
 
I don't believe death is the end. I believe that there is always a bit of our loved ones we can talk to, think about, laugh with.., and most of all, love.
I feel for you Weegord and if a grown man can give another grown man a hug of support here's a virtual one for you now mate.
 
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