Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

A genie granted me one wish so I said “I just want to be happy”.

Now I’m living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working down a mine.

 

[HarryVegas]

 

[The_Unicorn]

Back in my day, I could walk into a shop with £10 and walk out with 6 bottles of wine, 2 dinners, a case of beer, 5 cartons of orange juice, 2 loaves of bread and a gallon of milk. Can't do that today. Too many cameras.

 

[Lefty]

Looks like I'll need to take evening classes if I want to learn how to drive a steam-roller.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

 

[samizdat]

There was a fire in a 10 story apartment building. On a 10th floor balcony was a young woman clutching a baby. The fire brigade was on the scene but they did not have a ladder which could reach her. A crowd had gathered outside. They urged her to jump or at least throw down the baby as the situation was becoming critical. But she was afraid. Finally a man stepped forward and called out to her, "I was the Irish international goalkeeper for many years. I never dropped the ball in my entire carreer. Throw the baby down. I guarantee I will catch the wee one."

As the flames were licking at her night dress in desperation she threw the baby down. Halfway down a sudden gust of wind blew the baby a couple of feet to the left. The Irish International quickly adjusted his feet, threw himself to the side and grasped the baby securely in his hands.. People clapped and .cheered. The Irishman took 2 steps towards the admiring crowd and punted the baby 50 yards down the street.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I just bought the new Cluedo Swingers Edition...

Turns out they all did it, in every room!

 

[joeydiaz]

I've just been for my covid vaccine and they jabbed it in my leg, Pfizer killing me.

 

[r00fie1]

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

 

[samizdat]

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you atck in British Columbia. camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

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[Lefty]

 

[r00fie1]

 

[r00fie1]

 

[r00fie1]

 

[The_Unicorn]

I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen!

 

[BoroInCheddleton]

Any body want to swap any bum jokes.........
I've got piles....

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

Sometimes I use words I don’t understand just so I can sound more photosynthesis.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I really need to do something about my dyslexia.
I won a bid for a car on eBay with “no reserve” . The thing won’t go backwards

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

I read a book last week on Stockholm syndrome. At first I thought it was ****, but by the time I got to the end I loved it!

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

Once you’ve heard one bagpipe tune, you’ve heard them both.