No, not the one that makes teenagers go blind.
I'm talking about the various ways we tackle our daily disposal of bodily fluids and solids ... and how we clean ourselves afterwards. This train of thought was sort of prompted by the bidet thread, but also it's something I'd been pondering on the po recently.
I mean, we don't give much thought to our toilet habits and methods, despite the fact that we're at it every day from the moment we're out of nappies to the moment we're back in them (or in a box).
As a bloke, for instance, we learn to pee, standing up (can't speak for girls, although I have heard some bizarre stuff about standing on the toilet seat in pubs/clubs and other public conveniences). If we're really well brought up, we're even taught to try and avoid peeing or splashing on the floor, or even the toilet seat. I know that this isn't de rigeur in all households, but some of us that were schooled in toilet etiquette, will lift the toilet seat before allowing the inevitable flow. Those really at the top of their etiquette game will even put it back down again and perhaps seek to dry up any droplets that have sprinkled, rogue fashion, outside of the target area. It must be said though, that this is rarified territory as far as I can tell.
But I digress, a little. What I was going to say is that we blythely carry on with this upright delivery untill at some stage, usually when half asleep during the night when a middle aged bladder gives us an untimely alarm, we discover the joys of the "sit down pee". This inevitably happens at different stages in each individual's march towards old age ... some are early adopters, some not. I, for one, find that the only time that standing up to pee is a sensible option is when out of the domestic environment, ie. at a urinal or rural dry stone wall/bush/stream/department store entrance. I'm not sure why I didn't advise my son at an early age that sitting down is a) more comfortable b) less likely to be messy c) satisfying. He did seem to catch on at a very early stage though and by his late teens a habitual sit down wee merchant (this, I think being rooted in the fact that he is a lazy son of a borlolad ... and also constantly on his phone).
Girls, as usual, are way ahead of us. They're practicing the lazy sit down wee from early childhood. No wonder they think boys are stupid.
This brings me to something else. Unless we have a sister that's a bit careless with locking the toilet door, girl's toilet habits are (thankfully) something of a mystery to us until we find ourselves co-habiting with them. Then, when we are comfortable enough in each other's company to share that small room during "operations" we get to learn new stuff. I, for instance, learned that the reason the toilet roll seems to go from amply supplied to crisis point in such short order is largely down to the fact that women (at least the ones I've been privvy to) will wrap the loo roll around their hands, over and over and over, until about 25 sheets have formed a massive wad. They will then use this to briefly dab their, shall we say, dewy bits, after a wee ... before starting the whole wrapping process again. Of course, this process is amplified greatly if they are cleaning up after a number two.
This brings me to something else I learned (and I appreciate that this may mean that I was a bit dim earlier in life). When I had finished "dropping the kids off at the pool", I would stand up, grab the loo roll, get a modest amount ready, reach around behind and wipe ... dispose of soiled paper ... and repeat. It was only when I did this in front of a girlfriend that I learned that there was, in fact, a much better way. She observed that my method involved unnecessary contortion and physical effort, as well as the risk of smearing whatever "mess" was trapped between my cheeks. She pointed out that it was much more sensible to remain seated, take your few wraps of paper and then either reach around the back to wipe up .... or between the legs to wipe forward. There was some debate as to which was the better and more hygenic technique (front ways, between the legs, wiping forward is the easier option but, for a girl, there is the added risk of smearing poop towards your front bottom). Whatever, both ways were infinitely better than the one that I had gone through my entire life doing. The added benefit of remaining seated being, of course, that one's cheeks tend to stay prised apart ... less likely to get involved.
Any way. Food for thought. Maybe some of you have found better methods. Have your habits changed with age and experience ... or exposure to the wisdom of the fairer sex? Is there some merit in getting all Japanese and technical about the operation? Or am I over-thinking.
The collective wisdom of the FMTTM hive mind is, as always, appreciated.
I'm talking about the various ways we tackle our daily disposal of bodily fluids and solids ... and how we clean ourselves afterwards. This train of thought was sort of prompted by the bidet thread, but also it's something I'd been pondering on the po recently.
I mean, we don't give much thought to our toilet habits and methods, despite the fact that we're at it every day from the moment we're out of nappies to the moment we're back in them (or in a box).
As a bloke, for instance, we learn to pee, standing up (can't speak for girls, although I have heard some bizarre stuff about standing on the toilet seat in pubs/clubs and other public conveniences). If we're really well brought up, we're even taught to try and avoid peeing or splashing on the floor, or even the toilet seat. I know that this isn't de rigeur in all households, but some of us that were schooled in toilet etiquette, will lift the toilet seat before allowing the inevitable flow. Those really at the top of their etiquette game will even put it back down again and perhaps seek to dry up any droplets that have sprinkled, rogue fashion, outside of the target area. It must be said though, that this is rarified territory as far as I can tell.
But I digress, a little. What I was going to say is that we blythely carry on with this upright delivery untill at some stage, usually when half asleep during the night when a middle aged bladder gives us an untimely alarm, we discover the joys of the "sit down pee". This inevitably happens at different stages in each individual's march towards old age ... some are early adopters, some not. I, for one, find that the only time that standing up to pee is a sensible option is when out of the domestic environment, ie. at a urinal or rural dry stone wall/bush/stream/department store entrance. I'm not sure why I didn't advise my son at an early age that sitting down is a) more comfortable b) less likely to be messy c) satisfying. He did seem to catch on at a very early stage though and by his late teens a habitual sit down wee merchant (this, I think being rooted in the fact that he is a lazy son of a borlolad ... and also constantly on his phone).
Girls, as usual, are way ahead of us. They're practicing the lazy sit down wee from early childhood. No wonder they think boys are stupid.
This brings me to something else. Unless we have a sister that's a bit careless with locking the toilet door, girl's toilet habits are (thankfully) something of a mystery to us until we find ourselves co-habiting with them. Then, when we are comfortable enough in each other's company to share that small room during "operations" we get to learn new stuff. I, for instance, learned that the reason the toilet roll seems to go from amply supplied to crisis point in such short order is largely down to the fact that women (at least the ones I've been privvy to) will wrap the loo roll around their hands, over and over and over, until about 25 sheets have formed a massive wad. They will then use this to briefly dab their, shall we say, dewy bits, after a wee ... before starting the whole wrapping process again. Of course, this process is amplified greatly if they are cleaning up after a number two.
This brings me to something else I learned (and I appreciate that this may mean that I was a bit dim earlier in life). When I had finished "dropping the kids off at the pool", I would stand up, grab the loo roll, get a modest amount ready, reach around behind and wipe ... dispose of soiled paper ... and repeat. It was only when I did this in front of a girlfriend that I learned that there was, in fact, a much better way. She observed that my method involved unnecessary contortion and physical effort, as well as the risk of smearing whatever "mess" was trapped between my cheeks. She pointed out that it was much more sensible to remain seated, take your few wraps of paper and then either reach around the back to wipe up .... or between the legs to wipe forward. There was some debate as to which was the better and more hygenic technique (front ways, between the legs, wiping forward is the easier option but, for a girl, there is the added risk of smearing poop towards your front bottom). Whatever, both ways were infinitely better than the one that I had gone through my entire life doing. The added benefit of remaining seated being, of course, that one's cheeks tend to stay prised apart ... less likely to get involved.
Any way. Food for thought. Maybe some of you have found better methods. Have your habits changed with age and experience ... or exposure to the wisdom of the fairer sex? Is there some merit in getting all Japanese and technical about the operation? Or am I over-thinking.
The collective wisdom of the FMTTM hive mind is, as always, appreciated.
Admin please delete. 
