Aet290204
Well-known member
This is a long story. But i want to tell it.
I set off in the car Saturday afternoon with the intention to jump in front of a train. Yeh so I guess I wanted to end my life.
Friday morning I had a heated row with a neighbour about, of all things, parking. They never leave me room to park outside my house. I never complain. Consequently I park as close as I can to their car. Unfortunately the other night I got so close without realising that the cars touched. I didn’t do any damage. I won’t go into detail but the row was vicious. As if I don’t feel bad enough about my myself already. I broke down. My brother came round and spent the rest of the morning calming me down.
I couldn’t start work. I told my manager what had happened. He knows about my depression so knew I wouldn’t be able to work. In that respect I’m lucky. So a sick day.
I went for a walk.
I cancelled going to lunch with a retired ex colleague.
I rang the crisis line and spoke to a mental health nurse for about an hour.
I spoke to my manager again for half an hour. We talked about why working from home was making me miserable then after that as he’s a Spurs fan I told him not to touch Djed Spence with a barge pole but thanks for the £15million anyway.
Then it all got darker.
I broke down in tears.
I went to bed. At 4pm. I didn’t bother taking off my clothes.
I got woke up by a follow up phone call from Mind about 7pm. I was irritated at being woken up so I snapped at the woman and declined the chance to talk.
I went back to sleep. Or tried to. I posted some **** on here at one point but no one replied to me.
I woke up this morning. Couldn’t move or get out of bed. Literally. Couldn’t even go downstairs to make a cup of tea.
Got a text from my mother at about 1pm. She wanted to come over. I ignored it. I don’t want to speak to her. We don’t always get on. Suddenly realised she’d turn up anyway even If I said no, so I got out of bed in the clothes I’ve been wearing all night. Went downstairs picked the car keys up and put a crappy pair of trainers on.
I drove out into the fens. I drove to a village that I knew had a train station. Bit like the stations on the saltburn to Darlington line, it was unmanned and just a halt on the line. I parked up. I sat on the platform for 10 mins. No train came. Decided to leave.
An Eastern European woman asked me some directions on the way out. First person I’d spoken to all day.
I drove away. I had no idea where I was heading to. At one point an idiot white van man tailgated me and I had half a mind to brake so he went into the back of me. But then he overtook.
I carried on driving and then I found another stop on the line.
I parked up. I went on the platform. I stood there a while. No train came. I went to the shelter. I called the first response service. Was on hold for about 10 mins until I eventually spoke to someone. I told her where I was and that I was going to jump when the first train came along.
She carried on talking to me. A train eventually came. I told her it was coming I stood right at the edge of the platform. I’ve no idea why I didn’t jump in front of it. The velocity of the train threw me back anyway.
That scared me. I was that close.
We carried on talking on the phone. Another train came but it was on the other platform. I couldn’t move across as the barriers went down. More talking. About nothing.
Began to realise she was stalling for time.
Then the police turned up. The phone call ended.
Then the paramedics turned up.
Then more police turned up.
The paramedic talked to me and calmed me down. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I told her everything. She just listened to me. For about half an hour i reckon. I told her I was gay and we agreed that men were all ******* When I told her my DOB she told me I didn’t look my age. I’ll take the compliment.
The police just stood on the platform moaning about something. I wasn’t listening.
I got put in the ambulance and the paramedic called the mental health team. All the time she was calming me down. She got through to them and got me a referral.
Then I got a lift home in a police van. They wouldn’t let me drive home. Understandable looking back but I went with it. One of the other policemen drove my car back.
When we got home the policeman came in with me to check I was ok and then told me he suffered from PTSD. He advised me to get on meds and just harangue them for help.
I got a follow up call tonight. The guy told me he was triage. I think I’ll hear from the GP on Monday morning. He said that I probably need more specialist therapy so I need to talk to my therapist. My issues are deep rooted.
I’ve cried my eyes out several times tonight.
I’ve cried seeingclips online of the pride March in London. There is a brilliant clip on twitter of the cast of Heartstopper sticking the finger up at some religious homophobic zealots. The sort of people who make me feel a worthless piece of ****.
I cried watching the gogglebox that was on last night with the coming out scene from Big Boys.
I’ve cried over the kindness of the paramedic and I know she would say she was only doing her job.
I’ve cried just because I’m scared of what I did.
I’ve no idea why I’ve just written all this. I just wanted to share that I’m still here. Thanks for reading.
I set off in the car Saturday afternoon with the intention to jump in front of a train. Yeh so I guess I wanted to end my life.
Friday morning I had a heated row with a neighbour about, of all things, parking. They never leave me room to park outside my house. I never complain. Consequently I park as close as I can to their car. Unfortunately the other night I got so close without realising that the cars touched. I didn’t do any damage. I won’t go into detail but the row was vicious. As if I don’t feel bad enough about my myself already. I broke down. My brother came round and spent the rest of the morning calming me down.
I couldn’t start work. I told my manager what had happened. He knows about my depression so knew I wouldn’t be able to work. In that respect I’m lucky. So a sick day.
I went for a walk.
I cancelled going to lunch with a retired ex colleague.
I rang the crisis line and spoke to a mental health nurse for about an hour.
I spoke to my manager again for half an hour. We talked about why working from home was making me miserable then after that as he’s a Spurs fan I told him not to touch Djed Spence with a barge pole but thanks for the £15million anyway.
Then it all got darker.
I broke down in tears.
I went to bed. At 4pm. I didn’t bother taking off my clothes.
I got woke up by a follow up phone call from Mind about 7pm. I was irritated at being woken up so I snapped at the woman and declined the chance to talk.
I went back to sleep. Or tried to. I posted some **** on here at one point but no one replied to me.
I woke up this morning. Couldn’t move or get out of bed. Literally. Couldn’t even go downstairs to make a cup of tea.
Got a text from my mother at about 1pm. She wanted to come over. I ignored it. I don’t want to speak to her. We don’t always get on. Suddenly realised she’d turn up anyway even If I said no, so I got out of bed in the clothes I’ve been wearing all night. Went downstairs picked the car keys up and put a crappy pair of trainers on.
I drove out into the fens. I drove to a village that I knew had a train station. Bit like the stations on the saltburn to Darlington line, it was unmanned and just a halt on the line. I parked up. I sat on the platform for 10 mins. No train came. Decided to leave.
An Eastern European woman asked me some directions on the way out. First person I’d spoken to all day.
I drove away. I had no idea where I was heading to. At one point an idiot white van man tailgated me and I had half a mind to brake so he went into the back of me. But then he overtook.
I carried on driving and then I found another stop on the line.
I parked up. I went on the platform. I stood there a while. No train came. I went to the shelter. I called the first response service. Was on hold for about 10 mins until I eventually spoke to someone. I told her where I was and that I was going to jump when the first train came along.
She carried on talking to me. A train eventually came. I told her it was coming I stood right at the edge of the platform. I’ve no idea why I didn’t jump in front of it. The velocity of the train threw me back anyway.
That scared me. I was that close.
We carried on talking on the phone. Another train came but it was on the other platform. I couldn’t move across as the barriers went down. More talking. About nothing.
Began to realise she was stalling for time.
Then the police turned up. The phone call ended.
Then the paramedics turned up.
Then more police turned up.
The paramedic talked to me and calmed me down. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I told her everything. She just listened to me. For about half an hour i reckon. I told her I was gay and we agreed that men were all ******* When I told her my DOB she told me I didn’t look my age. I’ll take the compliment.
The police just stood on the platform moaning about something. I wasn’t listening.
I got put in the ambulance and the paramedic called the mental health team. All the time she was calming me down. She got through to them and got me a referral.
Then I got a lift home in a police van. They wouldn’t let me drive home. Understandable looking back but I went with it. One of the other policemen drove my car back.
When we got home the policeman came in with me to check I was ok and then told me he suffered from PTSD. He advised me to get on meds and just harangue them for help.
I got a follow up call tonight. The guy told me he was triage. I think I’ll hear from the GP on Monday morning. He said that I probably need more specialist therapy so I need to talk to my therapist. My issues are deep rooted.
I’ve cried my eyes out several times tonight.
I’ve cried seeingclips online of the pride March in London. There is a brilliant clip on twitter of the cast of Heartstopper sticking the finger up at some religious homophobic zealots. The sort of people who make me feel a worthless piece of ****.
I cried watching the gogglebox that was on last night with the coming out scene from Big Boys.
I’ve cried over the kindness of the paramedic and I know she would say she was only doing her job.
I’ve cried just because I’m scared of what I did.
I’ve no idea why I’ve just written all this. I just wanted to share that I’m still here. Thanks for reading.
