Death and mourning..
- Thread starter sadgit
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Muttley
Well-known member
There are no rules. Rules only make you think you are doing something wrong. Grieve or don't but most of all don't beat yourself up about it.
I've seen people wailing like a banshee at a funeral and others share a joke. I don't judge, you live your life your way and let others go theirs
I've seen people wailing like a banshee at a funeral and others share a joke. I don't judge, you live your life your way and let others go theirs
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
I spent part of my training as a counsellor volunteering for Teesside Hospice Children's 'Forget Me Not' programme. Grief is a natural emotion that we've been conditioned to ignore and avoid dealing with. It is a taboo subject that many will avoid.
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When my dad passed away ,I had come to terms with the inevitable but my brother had been reading up on grieving and thought that we should all be going through the same 7 stages of grieving which he decided to follow.
This caused a few problems as the rest of the family wanted to grieve in which ever way they thought fit and he tried to force his views on us all.
11 yrs on and unfortunately he’s still of the same opinion, I think it may be a guilt thing as he lives out of the area and missed out on so many things that the rest of us shared with our dad.
This caused a few problems as the rest of the family wanted to grieve in which ever way they thought fit and he tried to force his views on us all.
11 yrs on and unfortunately he’s still of the same opinion, I think it may be a guilt thing as he lives out of the area and missed out on so many things that the rest of us shared with our dad.
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
Although there are different stages in grief, we all go through it at different times. Some of us skip stages and others will go back and forth, there is no right or wrong way.
When my mum died, I tried to stay strong for my dad and never let the emotions get to me. Sometime later, I went to the doctors with a chest infection and the doctor asked how I was after my mum's passing and I just crumbled. I was able to grieve and move on after that.
Ex Footy Legs
Well-known member
Perfectly said.
HarryVegas
Well-known member
Grief obeys no rules, you can't parcel it up neatly. As soon as you think you're clear, it'll come back and bite you in the **** at the most inconvenient time. You just have to learn to accept it's going to happen, no matter what.
When my dad died I'd been close to him and had/have soooo much respect for him and what he'd achieved in his life. Having said that, I was able to come to terms with his loss in a relatively straightforward way. Then my mam died 5 years later. She'd been a right pain at various points throughout my life, said some really hurtful stuff and I therefore used to take what she said with a pinch of salt. But when she went I felt it in a much more visceral way. It was so unexpected. The pain felt wild and unpredictable, it felt like someone kept kicking me in the guts until it had worked itself out.
As others have said, don't over-analyse it, it's just going to happen and when it does you'll deal with it however you can. But talk it out and talk it out until you don't need to anymore.
When my dad died I'd been close to him and had/have soooo much respect for him and what he'd achieved in his life. Having said that, I was able to come to terms with his loss in a relatively straightforward way. Then my mam died 5 years later. She'd been a right pain at various points throughout my life, said some really hurtful stuff and I therefore used to take what she said with a pinch of salt. But when she went I felt it in a much more visceral way. It was so unexpected. The pain felt wild and unpredictable, it felt like someone kept kicking me in the guts until it had worked itself out.
As others have said, don't over-analyse it, it's just going to happen and when it does you'll deal with it however you can. But talk it out and talk it out until you don't need to anymore.
Blf
Well-known member
How you deal with death is an individual Thing. There are no set rules.
My Dad died when I was 20 and my Mam when I was 34. I can smile when I think of my Mam but 46 yrs later I sob uncontrollably at times thinking of my Dad. Not because I loved one more than the other. My Mum died after a short illness but I had time to tell her how I felt about her as my Mam . My Dad died suddenly and Unexpectedly. I never had time to talk to him about how I felt and was out more than I was in leading up to him dying.
Grief is not the same for everyone.
My Dad died when I was 20 and my Mam when I was 34. I can smile when I think of my Mam but 46 yrs later I sob uncontrollably at times thinking of my Dad. Not because I loved one more than the other. My Mum died after a short illness but I had time to tell her how I felt about her as my Mam . My Dad died suddenly and Unexpectedly. I never had time to talk to him about how I felt and was out more than I was in leading up to him dying.
Grief is not the same for everyone.
the_holgate_roof
Well-known member
My dad passed away in August, and due to the fact he wanted to be buried, it was over 3 weeks before we could have his funeral, it seemed to take an age, although it was busy, contacting various agencies, it was a very strange time and a few days after the funeral we went on holiday to America, it had been booked for many months, and in a way it was a distraction away from the normal environment. It really gets to me when I look at the photos with my dad and always feel I should have spent more time with him in his latter years, felt unusually down the last couple of days, been visiting the grave and updating him on things , it is just hard knowing I will never see him again, I suppose Christmas and birthdays will be the hard times ahead, seeing that empty chair…..
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mercury_redstone7
Well-known member
Tough time for you THR, its difficult to lose a person who forms your thoughts and mannerism, a constant with the quiet ticking away of life and home. You don't let go of the love and the feelings you have, that's a good thing that we have to feel as we then know how deep it runs despite the hurt at the moment.My dad passed away in August, and due to the fact he wanted to be buried, it was over 3 weeks before we could have his funeral, it seemed to take an age, although it was busy, contacting various agencies, it was a very strange time and a few days after the funeral we went on holiday to America, it had been booked for many months, and in a way it was a distraction away from the normal environment. It really gets to me when I look at the photos with my dad and always feel I should have spent more time with him in his latter years, felt unusually down the last couple of days, been visiting the grave and updating him on things , it is just hard knowing you I never see him again, I suppose Christmas and birthdays will be the hard times ahead, seeing that empty chair…..
I never felt like a grown up until I lost my dad when I was 47, despite having a wife 4 kids and 1 grand daughter at the time. It was an awful realisation I didnt have him to turn to for a laugh or chat. It stinks being grown up.
Billywoofslovechild
Well-known member
I was never allowed to grieve for my mum. She battled cancer for 15 years until it finally took her at 66. My now ex wife wouldn’t talk to me about it in fact I wasn’t allowed to mention it she even stopped the kids going to the funeral. I bottled it up and it hurt every birthday every Christmas it was a taboo subject. 4 years later the old man passed and I again bottled it up thankfully I met a good women who sat me down and simply said “tell me about your mam and dad”.
It all came out following a severe bout of depression and the love of a good women saw my through.
You have to do what feels right. Time softens the burden of grief but it never really goes away you learn to live with it but every so often a song, a memory or even a silly thing like the smell of roast beef for example brings on tears and emotion but to me it shows how deeply I loved them and they me.
It’s personal and we each deal with it in our own way there is no right or wrong answer.
It all came out following a severe bout of depression and the love of a good women saw my through.
You have to do what feels right. Time softens the burden of grief but it never really goes away you learn to live with it but every so often a song, a memory or even a silly thing like the smell of roast beef for example brings on tears and emotion but to me it shows how deeply I loved them and they me.
It’s personal and we each deal with it in our own way there is no right or wrong answer.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Couldn’t put it better, but would add that longer term the ‘recovery’ is different for everyone and again there is no right or wrong.
1finny
Well-known member
We all have some tragic events to deal with. Losing a loved one is emotional.
Hope I’m not teaching anyone to suck eggs here but there is a model which most have to follow.
The time you spend in each segment is personal, but, to deal with it well - you need toexeriemce all steps.
May be worth reading a little more about it. Understanding what the vast majority of us go through is worth knowing.
Hope I’m not teaching anyone to suck eggs here but there is a model which most have to follow.
The time you spend in each segment is personal, but, to deal with it well - you need toexeriemce all steps.
May be worth reading a little more about it. Understanding what the vast majority of us go through is worth knowing.
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
Hopefully, know one has to but I 've copied and pasted a story I used to use with the young people I counselled at Teesside Hospice. It is a lovely story that explains death to children but I have also used it with teenagers and adults.
Waterbugs and Dragonflies – Explaining Death to Children
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.
“Look!” said one of the water bugs to another. “One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?” Up, up, up it slowly went….Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return…
“That’s funny!” said one water bug to another. “Wasn’t she happy here?” asked a second… “Where do you suppose she went?” wondered a third.
No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. “I have an idea”. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why.”
“We promise”, they said solemnly.
One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings…The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!
Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.
The dragonfly remembered the promise: “The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why.” Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water…
“I can’t return!” he said in dismay. “At least, I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went.”
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air…….
From: “Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children” by Doris Stickney
I read this many years ago and it still helps me today.
Grief is like a box that you have to carry around for the rest of your life. Somedays its very small and fits in your pocket that you almost foreget about it. On other days you need both arms to carry it around with you and then there's the days where you cant move because the box is crushing you, that's ok though because you know the size will change and you will be able to carry on eventually. The one thing that doesn't change though is you can never lose the box.
having just written this, the boxes I carry with me got slightly bigger but that's ok.
Grief is like a box that you have to carry around for the rest of your life. Somedays its very small and fits in your pocket that you almost foreget about it. On other days you need both arms to carry it around with you and then there's the days where you cant move because the box is crushing you, that's ok though because you know the size will change and you will be able to carry on eventually. The one thing that doesn't change though is you can never lose the box.
having just written this, the boxes I carry with me got slightly bigger but that's ok.
1finny
Well-known member
Lovely that - take care
MichaelDebeve
Well-known member
Aaron McGowan: Northampton Town defender on playing hours after learning his dad had died
Northampton Town defender Aaron McGowan tells BBC Sport how playing just hours after the death of his father was his way of dealing with grief and loss.
www.bbc.co.uk
Just read this in BBC sport, emphasises that grief is a unique process for everyone.
atomicloonybin aka ALB
Well-known member
I've never got over and don't expect to get over my Mrs dying. I know our daughter hasn't either. As Jonnyboy says above, you just try to carry it around with you. What has struck me now is that I really do have a lack of empathy, and I also find myself "hating" a lot more. Really deep, visceral hatred of people. Not everyone, but I have no patience for people who annoy me in any way. I've definitely changed for the worse, and I'm cynical about everything.
HarryVegas
Well-known member
I have no idea how awful your situation must have been or still is mate. It might sound trite, but have you spoken to a counsellor or anything similar?