anth25
Well-known member
Appreciate that there are probably better places to be asking this question but I've always seen responses to other posts on here be discussed in a compassionate and helpful manner so thought I'd ask.
My best mate of the last 30yrs is really struggling at the moment and I'm at a loss with what to do.
I'll try and keep the backstory as brief as possible. He's 43yo and around 6yrs ago split up with his wife who he had 2-kids with. One is now 12 and the other is 10. He's a great dad to them and wants to be totally 50/50 in the care side of things. He managed to get an agreement in place for 50/50 share however after a couple of months his ex realised this would have a massive impact on maintenance and so has started making it difficult and saying that the kids don't want to stay with him as much as with her. One of the reasons she gives is that they don't like the 40min journey home from school every night. The reason for this is that after a couple of years separated he met someone else and moved to Manchester, around 1hr 20min from where they live. He then ended up having a kid with this new partner and got married earlier this year. His new wife agreed to move closer to where his ex lives (and the kids go to school) but didn't want to move back to the town where they are. So they picked Chester as a mid ground which is around 40mins away.
He has now got the the stage where he is struggling to keep his two kids happy and see them as much as he likes while also trying to build a marriage and family with his new wife and kid. The fact that she won't move back to the Wirral is now becoming a massive issue and they are falling out over it big time to the point where he is now talking about getting a small place on the Wirral for himself. He is only 6-mths into his new marriage but I can see that he is hitting the self destruct button with it. He can't see what he has got with his new wife and he can't see any of the positives in his life. He only ever focuses on the negatives and has such a "woe is me" mentality. The guilt that he feels for not being with his 2 kids all the time is weighing so heavily on him but to the point that it is massively clouding his judgement and decision making. He is going to end up with another failed marriage and things will be even worse for him.
I have tried talking to him, pointing out the positives in his life and reassuring him that he is not failing his kids. Despite only seeing them 50/50 he is probably more present than most Dad's that live at home full time. However he won't listen to me. Despite us being best mates he has this huge chip on his shoulder about me. He had a difficult upbringing with an alcoholic Dad and no wider family to support him. I had the opposite and am still surrounded by a loving family who I can fall back on. He doesn't and over the years I have been the closest thing he has to family. But I'm starting to feel really helpless and all I get back from him is "you wouldn't understand", "you don't know how tough I had it" "you've had it easy all your life". For context he grew up in Eaglescliffe, had a great mum, went away to uni, has a good job and a 4-bed house in Chester (I know that isn't important when it comes to MH, I'm just trying to give a bit of context to his "hard luck story")
I probably sound a bit callous in the way I'm talking about him and I'm certainly not trying to trivialise the fact that he is obviously really struggling. But I just don't know what to do. I've tried to get him to talk to someone but he isn't having it. Doesn't think it will help.
Was genuinely thinking of just booking and paying for some sessions for him and giving him the ultimatum that he either goes and sees someone or me and him are done. Don't want to turn my back on him but I don't know whether some tough love is needed. In the past I think I've been guilty of just pandering to him and going along with him rather than telling him what I really think. For example when he said he was moving to Manchester I really didn't think it was a good idea because of his kids. I should probably have said something at the time, not that he would have listened.
Well done and thanks if you managed to get this far!!! If anyone has any ideas on what I can do to help I would appreciate it. Don't know where to turn and it's really playing on my mind.
My best mate of the last 30yrs is really struggling at the moment and I'm at a loss with what to do.
I'll try and keep the backstory as brief as possible. He's 43yo and around 6yrs ago split up with his wife who he had 2-kids with. One is now 12 and the other is 10. He's a great dad to them and wants to be totally 50/50 in the care side of things. He managed to get an agreement in place for 50/50 share however after a couple of months his ex realised this would have a massive impact on maintenance and so has started making it difficult and saying that the kids don't want to stay with him as much as with her. One of the reasons she gives is that they don't like the 40min journey home from school every night. The reason for this is that after a couple of years separated he met someone else and moved to Manchester, around 1hr 20min from where they live. He then ended up having a kid with this new partner and got married earlier this year. His new wife agreed to move closer to where his ex lives (and the kids go to school) but didn't want to move back to the town where they are. So they picked Chester as a mid ground which is around 40mins away.
He has now got the the stage where he is struggling to keep his two kids happy and see them as much as he likes while also trying to build a marriage and family with his new wife and kid. The fact that she won't move back to the Wirral is now becoming a massive issue and they are falling out over it big time to the point where he is now talking about getting a small place on the Wirral for himself. He is only 6-mths into his new marriage but I can see that he is hitting the self destruct button with it. He can't see what he has got with his new wife and he can't see any of the positives in his life. He only ever focuses on the negatives and has such a "woe is me" mentality. The guilt that he feels for not being with his 2 kids all the time is weighing so heavily on him but to the point that it is massively clouding his judgement and decision making. He is going to end up with another failed marriage and things will be even worse for him.
I have tried talking to him, pointing out the positives in his life and reassuring him that he is not failing his kids. Despite only seeing them 50/50 he is probably more present than most Dad's that live at home full time. However he won't listen to me. Despite us being best mates he has this huge chip on his shoulder about me. He had a difficult upbringing with an alcoholic Dad and no wider family to support him. I had the opposite and am still surrounded by a loving family who I can fall back on. He doesn't and over the years I have been the closest thing he has to family. But I'm starting to feel really helpless and all I get back from him is "you wouldn't understand", "you don't know how tough I had it" "you've had it easy all your life". For context he grew up in Eaglescliffe, had a great mum, went away to uni, has a good job and a 4-bed house in Chester (I know that isn't important when it comes to MH, I'm just trying to give a bit of context to his "hard luck story")
I probably sound a bit callous in the way I'm talking about him and I'm certainly not trying to trivialise the fact that he is obviously really struggling. But I just don't know what to do. I've tried to get him to talk to someone but he isn't having it. Doesn't think it will help.
Was genuinely thinking of just booking and paying for some sessions for him and giving him the ultimatum that he either goes and sees someone or me and him are done. Don't want to turn my back on him but I don't know whether some tough love is needed. In the past I think I've been guilty of just pandering to him and going along with him rather than telling him what I really think. For example when he said he was moving to Manchester I really didn't think it was a good idea because of his kids. I should probably have said something at the time, not that he would have listened.
Well done and thanks if you managed to get this far!!! If anyone has any ideas on what I can do to help I would appreciate it. Don't know where to turn and it's really playing on my mind.