Autism in adults

Z

Zanzibobs

Active member
My wife has had an initial assessment for autism and been told she is on a long waiting list for further diagnosis but is likely to have it.
Recently we’ve been having a few problems, particularly around communication. Her attitude towards me is usually cold and sometimes hostile. If we disagree on something then I am completely wrong, not listened to and not acknowledged. I help her with social cues and sometimes she can be good at managing disputes particularly relating to work but struggles socially.
Anybody got any advice on the relationship and communication side of things? Anyone to talk to or someone to help. I’ve looked at a few things I can change but we need to be better.
 
Zanzibobs said:
My wife has had an initial assessment for autism and been told she is on a long waiting list for further diagnosis but is likely to have it.
Recently we’ve been having a few problems, particularly around communication. Her attitude towards me is usually cold and sometimes hostile. If we disagree on something then I am completely wrong, not listened to and not acknowledged. I help her with social cues and sometimes she can be good at managing disputes particularly relating to work but struggles socially.
Anybody got any advice on the relationship and communication side of things? Anyone to talk to or someone to help. I’ve looked at a few things I can change but we need to be better.
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Friend of mine just been diagnosed at 44.
Communication is really difficult in any relationship and we are all on the autistic spectrum - I’ve moved futher down the scale over the years, largely because of a brilliant partner.

Autism is characterised, amongst other things with ‘matter of fact’ responses. They lack social nuance and emotional intelligence.
They will struggle with anyone talking about ’feelings’ Those more sensitive will feel hurt.

BACP are a counselling service that will have counsellors who specialises in helping people in these kinds of relationships and there are a host of books out there you can both read.

It sounds as though you both want to move forward which is good but be sensitive how difficult this is for the person with autism too.

Hope you get the help you need - it will be great when you do,
 
1finny said:
Friend of mine just been diagnosed at 44.
Communication is really difficult in any relationship and we are all on the autistic spectrum - I’ve moved futher down the scale over the years, largely because of a brilliant partner.

Autism is characterised, amongst other things with ‘matter of fact’ responses. They lack social nuance and emotional intelligence.
They will struggle with anyone talking about ’feelings’ Those more sensitive will feel hurt.

BACP are a counselling service that will have counsellors who specialises in helping people in these kinds of relationships and there are a host of books out there you can both read.

It sounds as though you both want to move forward which is good but be sensitive how difficult this is for the person with autism too.

Hope you get the help you need - it will be great when you do,
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Thanks! Great advice. Any recommendations for books? Finding things really difficult. If I say white she says black, that type of thing at the moment. Then being told I don’t understand what it’s like and comparing me to her father who was and is quite abusive. I’ve never been abusive apart from getting angry now and again.
 
You have my sympathies. My ex-wife is probably autistic, something she's only recently realised because our eldest is going through the process of being diagnosed after his teacher suggested it to us. Runs in families apparently (no-one is in much doubt her dad is undiagnosed autistic, some of his behaviour is downright bonkers).

If we/I'd known about it sooner the marriage might not have broken down. So you're at least ahead of the game. Knowing there's probably something behind some of the behaviour should help I think? I certainly wouldn't have been so defensive for example.

She's always had minor mental health problems anyway (particularly anxiety) and suspect that's probably quite common in adults with autism. Counselling has helped her with it in the past so something to think about depending on your circs?

The only other thing to think about is whether to do a bit of reading about "understanding women" in general (if you've not already done so). Obviously easy to joke about but men and women's brains really are wired very differently. I recognised a lot of things I was doing wrong pretty quickly, which certainly won't have helped, autism or not.

If you want to improve communication, helps if you can speak the lingo first!

Good luck.
 
Despite my flippancy above, all the best with it. I’m sure Relate or an organisation like that can help with the communication issues. Communication is always a two way thing even if only one of you has autism.
 
Zanzibobs said:
My wife has had an initial assessment for autism and been told she is on a long waiting list for further diagnosis but is likely to have it.
Recently we’ve been having a few problems, particularly around communication. Her attitude towards me is usually cold and sometimes hostile. If we disagree on something then I am completely wrong, not listened to and not acknowledged. I help her with social cues and sometimes she can be good at managing disputes particularly relating to work but struggles socially.
Anybody got any advice on the relationship and communication side of things? Anyone to talk to or someone to help. I’ve looked at a few things I can change but we need to be better.
Click to expand...
Can’t offer much in the way of advice but I do know someone in the distant family who spoke highly about a book that had a title like Autism Partners guide or something similar, I do remember it had a purple cover though (i think). I will try to find out its title and author for you.

Best wishes anyway and I hope you get all the help you both deserve 👍
 
Not too sure about advice for you but if your wife is going through the NHS and on a long waiting list, I would recommend looking into using the NHS right to choose service. It basically allows people who have been told there is a long wait for services through the NHS the chance to go private and have it paid for. I will link a company below who do it and the website explains everything. I know someone who went with them in relation to seeking an ADHD diagnosis but I am sure the company deal with autism as well. There are other ones that offer the service but this is just the one someone close to me used. Not sure how long the wait list your wife is facing but the ADHD wait list was around 3 years and going this service ended up taking around 6 months.

Best of luck

Right To Choose (ASD) - Psychiatry-UK

psychiatry-uk.com psychiatry-uk.com
 
Zanzibobs said:
Thanks! Great advice. Any recommendations for books? Finding things really difficult. If I say white she says black, that type of thing at the moment. Then being told I don’t understand what it’s like and comparing me to her father who was and is quite abusive. I’ve never been abusive apart from getting angry now and again.
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Had a look around and this comes out well

Drama Queen: One Autistic Woman and a Life of Unhelpful Labels eBook : Gibbs, Sara: Amazon.co.uk: Books

Drama Queen: One Autistic Woman and a Life of Unhelpful Labels eBook : Gibbs, Sara: Amazon.co.uk: Books
www.amazon.co.uk

The main thing that has helped me is living with a counsellor. - she has been amazing for us
 
64 common autistic traits...
1 trouble with making eye contact2 trouble reading facial expressions3 sensory sensitivities4 social anxiety5 literal thinking (not understanding figurative expressions)6 difficulty with abstract thinking (understanding time, money etc)7 difficulty with transitions - moving from one thing to the next8 difficulty with change and especially unexpected change9 need for following a routine10 difficulty with social ques (not understanding when someone is communicating in a non verbal way)11 difficulty with small talk12 difficulty with sarcasm (particularly when ppl are being sarcastic with you)13 difficulty with humor (challenge understanding jokes, puns)14 trouble understanding or relating or identifying to other ppls emotions15 difficulty with emotional regulation16 difficulty with impulse control17 strong interest / obsession with certain topics18 difficulty with executive functioning (unable to plan out time or projects for example)19 difficulty prioritizing projects20 challenges making decisions21 difficulty with problem solving (without others supporting)22 difficulty in multitasking23 difficulty taking turns24 difficulty in sharing25 difficulty with join attention (focusing on the same thing as someone else)26 struggle with imaginary play or role playing27 challenges with social activities (social play for kids). Do you struggle to know how to engage in these activities. You are more observing28 difficulty with cooperative play (kids) or work (adults)29 preferring to work, rest or play alone (alone time)30 difficulty with self regulation (hard to control your emotions, behaviors)31 difficulty with self awareness32 difficulty with self monitoring / reflection33 no or bad self esteem. lack of confidence34 difficulty with self advocacy 35 difficulty initiating/starting conversations36 difficulty maintaining conversations37 difficulty ending conversations38 difficulty with body language (struggling to both read body language of others and use it yourself)39 difficulty with tone of voice (using correct tone for situation)40 difficulty with inflection and varying in the tone of your voice41 difficulty with volume control (speaking too loudly or too softly)42 difficulty with pitch43 difficulty with intonation (pitch or speed)44 difficulty with prosody (using appropriate rhythm intomation or melody)45 difficulty with articulation (make clear and distinct speech sounds)46 difficulty with vocabulary (some it may be limited some may be a difficulty in retrieving the words)47 difficulty with grammar 48 difficulty with syntax (order and arrangement of words in a sentence)49 difficulty with semantics (meaning and interpretation of words and phrases)50 echolalia - repeating words, phrases you have heard from other ppl 51 difficulty recognizing faces52 difficulty with central coherence (struggle to see the big picture or larger context)53 intense interests54 sensory seeking behaviors (seek out sensory)55 hypersensitivity (less sensitive to certain inputs)56 lack of coordination57 difficulty with fine motor skills (from tying your shoelaces to handwriting)58 difficulty with gross motor skills (jumping, running)59 difficulty with balance60 difficulty with proprioception (spatial awareness)61 difficulty to understand or navigate physical spaces62 difficulty with visual processing (making sense of visual info)63 difficulty with auditory processing (info that we are listening to)64 difficulty with tactile processing (hard to process tactile information)
 
We are not all “on the spectrum”. You‘re either autistic or you’re not. The perception of autistic people is often (wrongly) negative, and that‘s far from the reality. You do need to understand/embrace it though, and whilst a diagnosis can be helpful, it’s not the be-all-and-end-all.

I‘d recommend getting ALL advice/guidance on autism from ACTUALLY autistic people. Absolutely tons of information/communities on Twitter. Bear in mind online is how many autistic people prefer to communicate!

One fella who’s been a great resource for me personally has been Pete Wharmby. Written a couple of books too 👍
 
My son is in his 20s and was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome 5 yrs ago.
I know that is a different situation to yours but the diagnosis and information helped me and my wife understand his behaviour a lot better but also helped my son understand it, which was massive for him.
Although it has to be said not all of his behaviour is due to Aspergers and sometimes he is just being a moody pain in the bum like anyone else. Differentiating is often difficult and I'm sure he often pkayson that 🙂

We found books by Tony Attwood a good help.
 
I think the starting point is getting some support for you.It can be difficult to navigate a relationship with someone with Autism although everyone's experience is different.
I also have first hand experience and funnily enough it's often the things you love about them also drive you to distraction.
Can I suggest looking at the Autism society specifically the link below.

404

www.autism.org.uk www.autism.org.uk
 
SNEEKERS said:
I think the starting point is getting some support for you.It can be difficult to navigate a relationship with someone with Autism although everyone's experience is different.
I also have first hand experience and funnily enough it's often the things you love about them also drive you to distraction.
Can I suggest looking at the Autism society specifically the link below.

404

www.autism.org.uk www.autism.org.uk
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This is exactly the thing I was looking for. Tried finding it myself on the website but couldn’t navigate it very well.
 
Just for a bit more clarity. I’m a primary school teacher and have a background working in prisons too. I’ve worked with all sorts of people and am acknowledged as the person to turn to who understands and deals with behaviours well to understand kids and get the best out of them.
Last night I talked to my wife as soon as she got back from the hairdressers and told her some of the stuff I had looked at to help me understand a little better. We discussed communication and how we can both communicate better.
For everyone who has taken the time to respond and share experiences and recommendations on here, thanks. I know from my own experience there will be people who haven’t commented but will have taken something positive away from this post too!
 
I was recently diagnosised in my 40s.
I think it contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, my ex labelled me as certain things, which I've been told are traits.
I'll never know if an earlier diagnosis would have helped.
I do realise that at times I must have been hard to live with, but there was definitely a lack of empathy on her part.
Relationships can be tough.
 
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