Old parents and care

Hap

Hap

Well-known member
We have found what I think will be a really good place for the Mother in Law, (looked everywhere) not too full of dementia patients- she still has some marbles, but they are getting harder to reach.

House has sold and should complete on Thursday. Spent the weekend moving everything to the local charity shop, tip, our home, or storage for when she has access to the home.

Daughter 2 has come home to help, daughter 1 is running interference and keeping Nan busy.

She’s with us for now. A week and I think and she’s going to be able to go in. She wasn’t well this morning and I can’t respectfully describe the carnage. Mrs H was in tears and I was on my hands and knees scrubbing.

Getting old is a cruel business.

All we can do is make decisions that we’d hope people would make for us, in the same spirit. Just to do the right thing, not the easy thing.

Honestly knackered after sawing a charity rejected chair and sofa into five flattened parts. *emotionally wiped out, but still seeing the funny side emoji (yes I know, but there should be)
 
sadgit said:
My in laws both had to moved to care at the same time. We had to sell their house to fund it. Joke when people were getting it for free
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Same here, but it’s their money. I get it. It seems unfair but they don’t really have a handle on it. More bothered about immigration *slaps face emoji- ooh ooh that’s an actual emoji!
 
sadgit said:
My in laws both had to moved to care at the same time. We had to sell their house to fund it. Joke when people were getting it for free
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To be fair to those people, you'd have to be in dire straits to get it for free, unless it has changed since my mother went into care. Even if they have no capital/savings they take all of their pension and give just a few pounds a week back as spending money.
 
Feel for you mate. We have it with the in-laws, FIL has dementia at 92, can’t see him being around a great deal longer, MIL is as cantankerous as ever; it’s putting a lot of stress on the missus and her sisters.
What you’ve described is probably where we will be at some point in the not too distant future.
Keep your pecker up as best you can.
 
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pierrequiroule said:
To be fair to those people, you'd have to be in dire straits to get it for free, unless it has changed since my mother went into care. Even if they have no capital/savings they take all of their pension and give just a few pounds a week back as spending money.
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The funding kicks in at about (and this isn’t the precise number because I’m wafer thin at this point) 20k. They can keep that.
 
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£840 pound a week for my passed mum from Sept 23 to Dec 24 . The decline in her during this period was rapid. Not dementia. Mobility and hygiene issues. They took all her govt pension (800 month) and the small pension from my dad (£600/month) and she had 16k savings which because it was over 14k she was charged £25 extra a month. I bought her house for her in 2009 and although in her name I put it in a trust for me. They still tried to take the funds from the house sale but because it was in a legal contracted trust it was not taken into account.
 
A guy I worked with has taken early-ish retirement, did an equity release on his house and is now 'living his best life' and also passing money to his children while he can see the benefit it brings, with the aim to have gone below £23,250 in the bank by the time he's 80.
 
1finny said:
Talking to some friends at the weekend

His parents both in care ……..£8k a week for the two of them
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Typically around here it's about £1K per week. But there are some very expensive places - Middleton Woods being an example of better retirement living.

I don't know what's to stop someone booking themselves into the very most expensive facility they can find, burning through all of their money down to the £23K safety net level) then asking for Social Services to pick up the bill thereafter. You'd imagine there would be some sort of cap on payments, but every professional I've pointedly asked that question to, just mumbles and shuffles their feet.

They either don't know or don't want to say.
 
red_harrington said:
£8k a WEEK?

Someone is making a serious amount of money out of this
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Yes, it’s mad (they are in Wetherby)
Both mid 90’s
The mother got 20% paid for the first two months because of her condition….
Wasn’t expected to live much longer.

Seems she likes the high life and is now ‘like a spring chicken’

It’s really sad tbf - just waiting in death’s waiting room watching the cash glow away.
 
My partners Grandma is in a home in Guisborough, i was shocked at the costs. She had a large amount of savings and they sold her house. they have about 2.5 years covered. Im pretty sure they even went back a number of years and they had to justify her spends, particularly money to grandkids at Christmas etc. Seems wrong.

We visit often even though she doesn't always know who we are. She regularly thinks i'm member of the staff. If we go in to the main sitting room, their is a guy who watches Dumb and Dumber on repeat. If people are making too much noise, he stops it and restarts it.

Very sad places to visit and yet to interesting when you get talking to some of them. they struggle with recent memories but the detail from stories of their youth is incredible.
 
KDG said:
My partners Grandma is in a home in Guisborough, i was shocked at the costs. She had a large amount of savings and they sold her house. they have about 2.5 years covered. Im pretty sure they even went back a number of years and they had to justify her spends, particularly money to grandkids at Christmas etc. Seems wrong.

We visit often even though she doesn't always know who we are. She regularly thinks i'm member of the staff. If we go in to the main sitting room, their is a guy who watches Dumb and Dumber on repeat. If people are making too much noise, he stops it and restarts it.

Very sad places to visit and yet to interesting when you get talking to some of them. they struggle with recent memories but the detail from stories of their youth is incredible.
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We're finding a lot out about my wife's late grandad (her mum's dad) at the moment, from the Mother in Law. Evacuated from Dunkirk. Transferred to Singapore. Japanese POW in a mining camp just outside Hiroshima. A quiet man by all accounts... not bloody surprised.
 
Hap said:
We're finding a lot out about my wife's late grandad (her mum's dad) at the moment, from the Mother in Law. Evacuated from Dunkirk. Transferred to Singapore. Japanese POW in a mining camp just outside Hiroshima. A quiet man by all accounts... not bloody surprised.
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Incredible.

I could honestly be one of those people who just goes in to chat and keep them company. These sweet old people on their final journey but their stories would be better than any book or film you could read or watch.
 
Father in law got dementia. He was expected to last seven years, maximum. He became violent, awkward and incontinent. So he moved into a care home for free because he was classed as in need of proper medical care. Poor sod managed to last 12 years with it.

Now the mother in law has had to go into care, dementia as well. Her house had to be sold to fund it. She hangs on, not getting out of bed, barely remembering anything.
 
Hap said:
Typically around here it's about £1K per week. But there are some very expensive places - Middleton Woods being an example of better retirement living.

I don't know what's to stop someone booking themselves into the very most expensive facility they can find, burning through all of their money down to the £23K safety net level) then asking for Social Services to pick up the bill thereafter. You'd imagine there would be some sort of cap on payments, but every professional I've pointedly asked that question to, just mumbles and shuffles their feet.

They either don't know or don't want to say.
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Surely they would move you at the point they start picking up the bill?
 
ThatFragranceGuy said:
Surely they would move you at the point they start picking up the bill?
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No, that's the point. They don't. It could cause undue distress, so they keep you where you are. I assumed there would be a cap, and the relatives would have to fund the shortfall. But having questioned exactly that scenario not one person has given me anything like a straight answer. And I've been really direct about it.

It seems nuts.

Just book yourself into the dearest place you can find, let your money burn away like a house fire, then let social services pick up the tap once you hit £23K savings limit, less most of your pension.
 
Hap said:
No, that's the point. They don't. It could cause undue distress, so they keep you where you are. I assumed there would be a cap, and the relatives would have to fund the shortfall. But having questioned exactly that scenario not one person has given me anything like a straight answer. And I've been really direct about it.

It seems nuts.

Just book yourself into the dearest place you can find, let your money burn away like a house fire, then let social services pick up the tap once you hit £23K savings limit, less most of your pension.
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I cannot comment on what you have been told but my mother in law had to go into Reuben Manor care home in Eaglescliffe in 2021 due to not able to care for themselves due to Dementia, The council agreed to fund care until her home was sold ( covenant put on her house and had to be assessed and sold for a certain price) . The house was sold in 2022 and by October 2024 her funds were exhausted( not quite exhausted but a low amount- around £20k I think). The Council agreed to pick up her fees but she was moved in January 2025 to Rosedale centre by Adult services social officer.
 
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