Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
HarryVegas
Well-known member
I just found a half frozen tiny bird as I walked home, so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival.
When I showed my wife, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a kiss and a cuddle as she was in a good mood.
She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".
When I showed my wife, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a kiss and a cuddle as she was in a good mood.
She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".
Millbrook
Well-known member
A man was in Asda with the missus and put a box of Stella in the trolley. “What do you think you are doing”? Asks the missus. He replies “its on offer £10 for 24 cans” “put them back we can’t afford it“ she said. A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What you doing”? he said. “it makes my face look beautiful” she replied.
He replied, “so does 24 cans of Stella and its half the price”.
He replied, “so does 24 cans of Stella and its half the price”.
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
I've got a grandson aged 4 and he can't say please in Spanish.
That's poor for 4.
That's poor for 4.
Millbrook
Well-known member
Following a shipwreck, two Welshmen, two Scotsmen, two Irishmen and two Englishmen are stranded on a desert island.
By the time they are rescued ten years later:
- the two Welshmen have started a choir,
- the two Scotsmen have started a distillery,
- the two Irishmen have started a fight,
- but the two Englishmen haven't started anything because they haven't been introduced yet.
By the time they are rescued ten years later:
- the two Welshmen have started a choir,
- the two Scotsmen have started a distillery,
- the two Irishmen have started a fight,
- but the two Englishmen haven't started anything because they haven't been introduced yet.
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Millbrook
Well-known member
A man is watching T.V. There is a knock on the front door. He gets up, opens the door, and notices a snail on his doorstep. He reaches down, picks up the snail and throws it across the yard. He shuts the door and goes back to his T.V. Show.
1 week later the man is sitting in his chair, again enjoying his television show. There is a knock at the door. He opens the door, and there is the snail.
“Hey.” Says the snail, “what did you do that for?”
1 week later the man is sitting in his chair, again enjoying his television show. There is a knock at the door. He opens the door, and there is the snail.
“Hey.” Says the snail, “what did you do that for?”
The_Unicorn
Well-known member
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
A man is sitting in a cafe. He has just finished his snack when a waiter brings his bill. It says:
Scone and buter £2.25
Tea £1.40p
"Take it back", he says to the waiter, "and rewrite it so that it says butter with two Ts." Shortly after the waiter returns with a new bill:
Scone and buter £2.25
2 Teas £2.80p
Scone and buter £2.25
Tea £1.40p
"Take it back", he says to the waiter, "and rewrite it so that it says butter with two Ts." Shortly after the waiter returns with a new bill:
Scone and buter £2.25
2 Teas £2.80p
asredastheycome
Well-known member
asredastheycome
Well-known member
Mathematics:
This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they
are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they
are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
I didn't know what to get the missus for her birthday, so I checked her browser search history for ideas…
Think she's gonna love it.
Think she's gonna love it.
Millbrook
Well-known member
Friend of mine was in the restaurant carriage of a train going to Edinburgh, an America was sat at a table snapping his fingers for about ten minutes then shouted hay waitress. to which she replied ‘Hey yank it takes more than two fingers to make me come.’ which left the rest of the passengers in hysterics, brilliant double entendre,
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Que?