Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
Millbrook
Well-known member
A man goes to his doctor and says he is deeply depressed. His job stresses him out and he sees no hope for the future.
The doctor asks him if he's in a relationship and the man says he is.
The doctor says, “That’s very positive. There are times when I feel like you do. On those days, when I get back from work, I cuddle my wife and we make love all night, it really helps. See how that goes for you and come back to see me next week. “
The man trudged out of the office.
A week later the man returns. He looks happy and relaxed, very different from how he looked when he was last there.
The doctor says “You look much better, did you take my advice?”
The man says “I certainly did and may I say you have a very lovely home.”
The doctor asks him if he's in a relationship and the man says he is.
The doctor says, “That’s very positive. There are times when I feel like you do. On those days, when I get back from work, I cuddle my wife and we make love all night, it really helps. See how that goes for you and come back to see me next week. “
The man trudged out of the office.
A week later the man returns. He looks happy and relaxed, very different from how he looked when he was last there.
The doctor says “You look much better, did you take my advice?”
The man says “I certainly did and may I say you have a very lovely home.”
Millbrook
Well-known member
A balding guy with a wooden leg and hypersensitive about his appearance, gets invited to a fancy dress party and approaches a mail order costumer for an outfit to conceal his 'infirmities'.
After a few days a parcel arrives containing a tricorn hat and plastic parrot along with a note thanking him for his custom and advising him that " the hat will hide his bald patch and all pirates have wooden legs".
Irate with their insensitive customer service, he returns the package with along with a letter complaining that the costume would only highlight his peg leg. A few days later another parcel arrives on his doorstep containing a monks habit and a letter apologising for their earlier gaffe and advising him that the monks habit will hide his wooden leg and all monks have bald patches.
Incensed with their jocular attitude towards his appearance ,he again returns the costume with a bitter letter of complaint pointing out that this idea only draws attention to his bald patch.
After a week or so a package arrives which upon opening contains a tin of golden syrup and a note instructing him to pour the syrup over his head, stick his wooden leg up his ****, and go to the party as a toffee-apple.
After a few days a parcel arrives containing a tricorn hat and plastic parrot along with a note thanking him for his custom and advising him that " the hat will hide his bald patch and all pirates have wooden legs".
Irate with their insensitive customer service, he returns the package with along with a letter complaining that the costume would only highlight his peg leg. A few days later another parcel arrives on his doorstep containing a monks habit and a letter apologising for their earlier gaffe and advising him that the monks habit will hide his wooden leg and all monks have bald patches.
Incensed with their jocular attitude towards his appearance ,he again returns the costume with a bitter letter of complaint pointing out that this idea only draws attention to his bald patch.
After a week or so a package arrives which upon opening contains a tin of golden syrup and a note instructing him to pour the syrup over his head, stick his wooden leg up his ****, and go to the party as a toffee-apple.
Millbrook
Well-known member
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "I really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "I really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
Lefty
Well-known member
I've heard this one before.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Millbrook
Well-known member
A widowed elderly lady was sunbathing on Redcar beach.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Lilac Grove," he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Lilac Grove," he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Millbrook
Well-known member
Fred was a popular man, but sadly he passed away. His friends and widow gathered to remember him,
Fred’s best friend gets up and says to the widow, “May I just say a word?”
“Of course,” she says.
“Plethora,” he says and sits down.
“Thank you,” says the widow, “that means a lot.”
Fred’s best friend gets up and says to the widow, “May I just say a word?”
“Of course,” she says.
“Plethora,” he says and sits down.
“Thank you,” says the widow, “that means a lot.”
Millbrook
Well-known member
A burglar breaks into someone’s home, and is stealthily creeping round in the darkness. Suddenly an eerie, inhuman voice comes out of the darkness: “Jesus is watching you !“.
He is considerably spooked and decides to risk turning on his torch. There picked out in the circle of light is a parrot.
He is quite relieved and says “pretty Polly” in an attempt to pacify the bird, “the name is Clarence”, comes the reply. “Clarence ?!” says the burglar “what sort of idiot calls his parrot ‘Clarence’ ?”. “Same kind of idiot that calls his Rottweiler ‘Jesus’.” …
He is considerably spooked and decides to risk turning on his torch. There picked out in the circle of light is a parrot.
He is quite relieved and says “pretty Polly” in an attempt to pacify the bird, “the name is Clarence”, comes the reply. “Clarence ?!” says the burglar “what sort of idiot calls his parrot ‘Clarence’ ?”. “Same kind of idiot that calls his Rottweiler ‘Jesus’.” …
Malaguena
Well-known member
I see your jokes (quantity and quality) haven't improved over the last 20 years mate
Millbrook
Well-known member
Indeed, however I hope I can be excused for bringing some light relief because this place is grim sometimes.I see your jokes (quantity and quality) haven't improved over the last 20 years mate
Hope you are all well and the best for 2023.
Malaguena
Well-known member
Same back mate - will be in touch
Millbrook
Well-known member
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
A provincial zoo was very proud of it's pair of Gnus. They were thrilled when it was discovered that the female Gnu was in calf and, after the prescribed time gave birth to a beautiful little calf.
Unfortunately some weeks later the male Gnu died from unexplained causes.
The mother and calf Gnu continued to thrive until one day the female Gnu was found dead in her enclosure.
"Still", as the zoo director remarked, "we still have the young Gnu and now that it's weaned it'll manage without it's mother".
Shockingly, the young Gnu was found dead a few days later of it was thought a broken heart after both it's parents had died.
Well, that's the end of the Gnus, now here's the weather............
Unfortunately some weeks later the male Gnu died from unexplained causes.
The mother and calf Gnu continued to thrive until one day the female Gnu was found dead in her enclosure.
"Still", as the zoo director remarked, "we still have the young Gnu and now that it's weaned it'll manage without it's mother".
Shockingly, the young Gnu was found dead a few days later of it was thought a broken heart after both it's parents had died.
Well, that's the end of the Gnus, now here's the weather............