Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you be some drinkin." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter" says Lars, "just gonna be the two of us."
 
Not a joke as such but a scene from Jonathan Creek.
They’re talking about a bimbo type who’d sold her story to a newspaper.
“It says here her third husband was quite old and had a dicky heart. She says she doesn’t know about the dicky heart but he certainly had a hearty ****!”
 
I was talking to this friend of mine about a strange fear I have related to carpooling.

I'm afraid that we'll get stuck in a tunnel and with all the people in the car, I won't be able to get out.

My friend said he thinks he's heard of this - he says it's called carpool tunnel syndrome.
 
I yelled ''cow'' at this woman riding her bike past me the other day.

She found the time to scream at least three obscenities at me before she ran into the cow I was trying to warn her about.
 
I met Mick Jagger once at a party and he wouldn't talk to anyone unless they had a packet of peas in their hand. I asked him why and he said, "Peas allow me to introduce myself."
 
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
"What are you reading, old man?" he asks.
"I'm learning Hebrew, comrade," replies the old man.
The KGB agent asks, "What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one."
"I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man.
"How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell?" asks the KGB agent.
"I already speak Russian." replies the old man.
 
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