Dad Jokes - all welcome!

I said "Doctor - it hurts when I do that with my left arm".
Said the Doctor - "Dont do it then. Try it with your right instead".
 
We've finally uncovered the writer who was really behind Scooby Doo's autobiography. It was the janitor.
 
If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon It’ll just be water under the fridge.
 
I like his line in an audience with, when asked if he like art he replied

I do like art, I like pictures that when you look at them it as if they're telling a story (little pause for effect)

Cartoons I think they're called.
 
Bob Monkhouse Jokes

  • My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.
  • My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
  • My wife said: ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said: ‘Why?’ and she said: ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already’.
  • Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
  • Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.
  • Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
  • I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
  • With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
  • My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
  • A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
  • A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
 
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