Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[Lefty]

I’m sitting on my own working out how much my Smiths, Cure and Fall necklaces are worth. Well, I value my indie pendants.

 

[Lefty]

As we approached Heathrow, the pilot suddenly started banking. An inopportune moment for a change of career, I felt.

 

[SalfordBoro]

He did write a book - 'The Art Of The Deal', or, at least, his ghost-writer did and he lost a lot of money on it.

theres always one who has to spoil it

 

[Carlos Fandango]

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it may be me.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

Whilst trying to take a group photo, a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.

Bystanders said people did try to warn him.

 

[Lefty]

I don’t know why I’m so attracted to the songs of Roxy Music. Perhaps it’s the Ferry moans.

 

[Foggysfplandiet3]

An elephant is strolling through the jungle when a big cat suddenly leaps out and bites off his tool.

“Ow!” Says the elephant feeling hurt. “You’ve bitten my tool off! Why did you want to bite my tool off?”

The big cat looks embarrassed and says, “I’m sorry Mr. Elephant, I couldn’t help it, it’s instinctive with me.......




.....i’m a 2-litre Jag......”

 

[NoloBoro]

What’s worse than a cardboard box??....paper t*ts!

 

[HarryVegas]

Where do cow farts come from?

The dairy air.

 

[Foggysfplandiet3]

Four babies are sat in a play pen at a crèche. The first one says, “I hate my Cow and Gate baby food, it makes me sick”

The second one says, “I hate by Gerber baby food, it makes me burp.”

The third one says, “I hate my Heinz baby food, it makes me fart”

The fourth one says, “ you think you’ve got problems? I have to share my mam’s t!ts with a bloke who smokes St. Bruno....“

 

[Carlos Fandango]

'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '

 

[Lefty]

Flotsam: stuff that's just floating there.
Jetsam: stuff we've ejected ourselves.

I am not enjoying this bath at all.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

 

[Lefty]

I mistook a jackdaw for a crow. Rookie error.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

 

[Lefty]

What did Cinderella do as she reached the Prince’s ball?

She gagged.

 

[Lefty]

When the missus told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

 

[HarryVegas]

A man who was badly injured earlier today in a hide and seek-related accident is in ICU.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

“Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”

 

[Abel Tasman]

My Grandad always said ‘when one door closes, another one opens.’
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.