Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says "Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
 
A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.
Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."
So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her.
Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."
"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."
 
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50 they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mum, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles, and says, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50 it's like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes,” the mother replies, “dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 
A man walks into a pet shop looking to purchase a pet. He sees a beautiful looking budgerigar which is advertised as free to a good home.

He is admiring it and about to ask why it is free when the budgie suddenly says,

“I’m a Boro budgie, I’m hard as hell!’

The man is taken aback but finds it funny, so he agrees to take the budgie home.

All-day and all night the budgie keeps repeating

“I’m a Boro budgie, I’m hard as hell!’

The man is driven to his wit's end by the bird. He tried to take it back to the pet shop but the owner, glad to be rid of it, won’t accept it.

“I’m a Boro budgie, I’m hard as hell!’

Finally, the man snaps.

“Right then, you cocky little sod. Let's see how tough you are!”

He goes and purchases a kestrel. He brings it home and places it in the cage with the budgie and goes to bed.

The next morning he comes downstairs to find the kestrel dead, and the budgie looking immaculate as ever.

“I’m a Boro budgie, I’m hard as hell!’

So he goes out and purchases a falcon and brings it back home, leaves it in the cage with the budgie and proceeds to go to bed again.

The next morning he comes downstairs expecting the budgie to have been torn to pieces, but he finds the falcon dead and the budgie without a scratch on him.

“I’m a Boro budgie, I’m hard as hell!’

The man goes out and purchases the largest eagle he can find.

“You’ve had it now, you little sod!”

He places the eagle into the cage with the budgie and goes to bed.

The next morning he comes down to see a scene of chaos, there are feathers and blood everywhere.

‘Haha! Finally!’ he thinks.

He looks around to find the eagle when all of a sudden he spots the budgie come trotting out from behind a vase, battered and with no feathers left whatsoever, dragging the corpse of the eagle behind him.

“Had to take my jacket off for that one!”
 
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