Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
swordtrombonefish
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TeessideCleveland
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TeessideCleveland
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Millbrook
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A man arrives home to find his blonde wife in tears, crying on the sofa.
“What happened? What are you crying?”
“It’s my new diet,” replied the blonde. “It’s not working! I stepped on the scale today, and I weighed 300 pounds!”
“But that’s impossible,” replied the man. We just weighed you last week, and you were only half that much!”
“I know!” sobbed the blonde. “But since I twisted my ankle this morning, I had to balance with only one foot on the scale, and it said 150. So that means that if I stood on it with two feet, it would have said 300!”
“What happened? What are you crying?”
“It’s my new diet,” replied the blonde. “It’s not working! I stepped on the scale today, and I weighed 300 pounds!”
“But that’s impossible,” replied the man. We just weighed you last week, and you were only half that much!”
“I know!” sobbed the blonde. “But since I twisted my ankle this morning, I had to balance with only one foot on the scale, and it said 150. So that means that if I stood on it with two feet, it would have said 300!”
atomicloonybin aka ALB
Well-known member
An airplane is boarding. When all the passengers are seated, the copilot comes aboard. He's got a white stick and dark glasses on. He stumbles into the cockpit. There's murmuring amongst the passengers.
One of the stewards takes the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed that the copilot is blind. There is no need to worry, he is a very experienced pilot and has 5000 hours of flying behind him".
The passengers setlle down. Just then the captain gets on board. He's got dark glasses and a guide dog with him. He feels his way up the aisle and goes into the cockpit. Again, the passengers are anxious.
Again, the steward takes the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, you may have also noticed that captain is blind. Please don't worry, he is a very experienced pilot and has 10,000 hours of safe flying behind him".
The passengers settle down. A few minutes later the plane starts rolling down the runway. It's gathering speed, but the plane isn't rising. About halfway down the runway, the passengers start shouting. Still the plane doesn't take off. The passengers are getting very worried and are shouting and crying. The plane continies to gather speed. Now the passengers can see the end of the runway and some buildings at the end, but the plane doesn't rise. By this time the passengers all start screaming. Right at the end of the runway, the plane picks off the runway and safely into the air, just.
The captain turns the copilot. "You know, the day they stop screaming, we are buggered".
One of the stewards takes the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed that the copilot is blind. There is no need to worry, he is a very experienced pilot and has 5000 hours of flying behind him".
The passengers setlle down. Just then the captain gets on board. He's got dark glasses and a guide dog with him. He feels his way up the aisle and goes into the cockpit. Again, the passengers are anxious.
Again, the steward takes the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, you may have also noticed that captain is blind. Please don't worry, he is a very experienced pilot and has 10,000 hours of safe flying behind him".
The passengers settle down. A few minutes later the plane starts rolling down the runway. It's gathering speed, but the plane isn't rising. About halfway down the runway, the passengers start shouting. Still the plane doesn't take off. The passengers are getting very worried and are shouting and crying. The plane continies to gather speed. Now the passengers can see the end of the runway and some buildings at the end, but the plane doesn't rise. By this time the passengers all start screaming. Right at the end of the runway, the plane picks off the runway and safely into the air, just.
The captain turns the copilot. "You know, the day they stop screaming, we are buggered".
swordtrombonefish
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atomicloonybin aka ALB
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Be careful when masturbarting underneath a sheet.
Barbers take a very dim view of it.
Barbers take a very dim view of it.
atomicloonybin aka ALB
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Courtesy of PopBitch
swordtrombonefish
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swordtrombonefish
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Ingleby_Flash
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If you’re dating a dominatrix never suggest it’s time to hit the sack 
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Woman in a jewellers looking at a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out, hoping no one noticed she asked the price.
The jeweller says”Madam if you farted looking at it you’ll shït yourself when I tell you the price!”
The jeweller says”Madam if you farted looking at it you’ll shït yourself when I tell you the price!”
Last edited:
atomicloonybin aka ALB
Well-known member
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
I said to the lass in the local shop ‘do you keep stationary?’ She said ‘I do at first then I go like a fùkcing rabbit!’ 
