atomicloonybin aka ALB
Well-known member
"Doctor, doctor, I've had the sh*ts for two weeks"
"I wouldn't worry, they go back to school soon".
"I wouldn't worry, they go back to school soon".
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
atomicloonybin aka ALB
Well-known member
I'm having a Himalayan Rabbit Stew for tea.
I found Himalayan in the road.
I found Himalayan in the road.
atomicloonybin aka ALB
Well-known member
Yesterday I had sex, visited Thornaby and then went horse chestnut picking.
I came, eyesore, I conkered.
I came, eyesore, I conkered.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Cars these days have too many gadgets, I tried to reverse and it played a video of someone getting run over by a car.
RedAsABeetroot
Well-known member
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
When I was young there was no internet.
People had to walk miles to call me a c*nt.
People had to walk miles to call me a c*nt.
TeessideCleveland
Well-known member
chocolate_sandwich
Active member
Took the wife to the Doctor’s today to sort out her Tourette’s. Turns out she doesn’t have it. I am a cnut and she really does want me to fcuk off.
Millbrook
Well-known member
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
Millbrook
Well-known member
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you nuts ?? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I 'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you nuts ?? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I 'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
RedAsABeetroot
Well-known member
red_harrington
Well-known member
Paddy goes into a Dublin jewellers and asks the shopkeeper 'Tell me sir, do you sell potato clocks?'
The shopkeeper gives him a bemused look and says 'Well now, we sell carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks, cuckoo clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?'
Paddy says 'I don't really know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock'..!!
The shopkeeper gives him a bemused look and says 'Well now, we sell carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks, cuckoo clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?'
Paddy says 'I don't really know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock'..!!
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Millbrook
Well-known member
Guy takes up bear hunting and decides on a big heavy caliber pistol.
He goes out to the woods and gets in place.Pretty soon a bear comes along and he fires…KA- POW!
The bear drops and he goes down to check it out.But there is no bear.
He feels a tapping on his shoulder and turns around.There’s the bear standing there with his hands on his hips..says to the guy…”You drop your drawers right now or I’m gonna eat you alive !”
Guy comes crawling out of the forest, mad as can be and with his rear end tore up.He plots revenge.He goes and buys a big long gun.
Back in the forest he sees the bear coming.KA- BOOM.Bear drops , he goes down there.Again, no bear! He feels a tapping on his shoulder, turns around and faces the bear once more.Bear says”You know the drill.”
Now he is madder than hell.He goes and gets him a bazooka.He sees the bear and lets fly.Half the forest explodes with rocks and trees flying all over.The bear drops.He goes down there to see.No bear again!
He feels a tapping on his shoulder , the bear standing there .
“ You not in this for the hunt, are you? “
He goes out to the woods and gets in place.Pretty soon a bear comes along and he fires…KA- POW!
The bear drops and he goes down to check it out.But there is no bear.
He feels a tapping on his shoulder and turns around.There’s the bear standing there with his hands on his hips..says to the guy…”You drop your drawers right now or I’m gonna eat you alive !”
Guy comes crawling out of the forest, mad as can be and with his rear end tore up.He plots revenge.He goes and buys a big long gun.
Back in the forest he sees the bear coming.KA- BOOM.Bear drops , he goes down there.Again, no bear! He feels a tapping on his shoulder, turns around and faces the bear once more.Bear says”You know the drill.”
Now he is madder than hell.He goes and gets him a bazooka.He sees the bear and lets fly.Half the forest explodes with rocks and trees flying all over.The bear drops.He goes down there to see.No bear again!
He feels a tapping on his shoulder , the bear standing there .
“ You not in this for the hunt, are you? “
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Thinking about it General Custer was a bit of a d*ckhead turning up for a battle called Custer’s last stand
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After dinner!
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After dinner!
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
We were at the airport and the wife said ‘I wish we’d brought the television’ I said why are you bored? She said ‘no the passports are on the top of it’
