Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[wyliefan]

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his dad asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

His dad was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the vicar said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

 

[Carlos Fandango]

Sunderland Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache.
200 semi - automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,
10 anti-tank missiles,
4 grenade launchers,
two tons of heroin,
£25 million in forged notes and a ring of 25 prostitutes on a housing estate behind Sunderland Public Library.

Sunderland folks were totally stunned.

A community leader said "We is well shocked. We never knew we had a library in Sunderland"

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

So I said to the doctor “can I still take these tablets with diarrhoea?”
He said yes but they taste better with water.

 

[wyliefan]

I used to play for Wasps Rugby Union Club - I was in the B Team.

 

[SydneyRed]

What's the difference between a sock and a camera?



One takes five toes and the other takes four toes

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

There was a young lady called Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap of a well endowed chap
And cried “Sir you are right up my alley!!”

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

My teacher told me I’d be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
Well so far I’ve made three jugs and a vase, so f*ck you Mr Ford.

 

[sweet_left_foot]

It comes as no surprise that Arnold Schwarzenegger always loses at the "Guess which classical composer I am?" parlour game

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

It comes as no surprise that Arnold Schwarzenegger always loses at the "Guess which classical composer I am?" parlour game

Go on I’ll admit it, it was nearly a whoosh for me, took a little longer than it should’ve for the Penny to drop.

 

[Trug]

At a job interview I answered a question with, " well it was when I was 15. I went to my room and laid on the bed, thinking about my mates mam."
The interviewer replied, " no Mr Trug. I asked you what your thoughts were on the West Bank"

 

[TeessideCleveland]

 

[TeessideCleveland]

 

[TeessideCleveland]

 

[TeessideCleveland]

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife.

Then I remembered why I was digging the hole...

 

[Borobuddah]

Go on I’ll admit it, it was nearly a whoosh for me, took a little longer than it should’ve for the Penny to drop.

Im still waiting

 

[futureboy]

Im still waiting

The version I've heard goes something like:

Bruce Willis, Sly Stallone and Arnie are all cast in a movie about the great composers, and the director asks them all who they'd like to play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".
Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "I'll be Mozart then."
Everyone turns to Arnie, who sighs and says...

 

[Borobuddah]

Nope, still not

 

[guisborough_rob]

Nope, still not

“I’ll be Bach.”

 

[Borobuddah]

By now it’s not funny but at least I get it.

Thanks to all who’s persevering helped me out