Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Batman is recovering in hospital after a threesome with superman and wonder woman.

"we warned you it would be too much for you without superpowers" said Superman "but you just kept shouting 'I'M BATMAN, I'M BATMAN' "

"I know" said Batman "that was because it was dark and you grabbed the wrong ar$e!"
 
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Terrible news coming from Merseyside this evening.

The Birkenhead Tunnel has been closed and the speed limit will be reduced for the foreseeable future to 25mph.
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, has confirmed in their report the problem was NOT Avian Flu but rather the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
 
A biologist, a computer programmer and a mathematician are sitting in a pub. They see two people go into the loos, and they see three people come out. The biologist says "they've reproduced", the computer programmer says "the data is incorrect" and the mathematician says "If another person goes in there, it will be empty"

A footballer, a cricketer and a statistician are playing darts. The footballer steps up to the oche and throws a double 11, the cricketer steps up and throws a double 6, the statistician shouts "BULLSEYE!"
 
A couple are out on their first date, have a lovely meal and a few drinks when the young woman whispers in his ear “How about we go back to your place”
As they are approaching his house door she says “ You know I can tell a lot about a man by how he opens the door”

“If a man rushes to open the door quickly, it means he is a selfish lover, If he fumbles for the keys in his pocket and subsequently drops his keys, it means he is a nervous lover and neither are what I need”

“So”, said the woman “how do you open your door?”

The man quickly replies ”Well, bear with me a while as I always like to lick the lock before opening the door if thats ok”
 
RavsFan said:
A couple are out on their first date, have a lovely meal and a few drinks when the young woman whispers in his ear “How about we go back to your place”
As they are approaching his house door she says “ You know I can tell a lot about a man by how he opens the door”

“If a man rushes to open the door quickly, it means he is a selfish lover, If he fumbles for the keys in his pocket and subsequently drops his keys, it means he is a nervous lover and neither are what I need”

“So”, said the woman “how do you open your door?”

The man quickly replies ”Well, bear with me a while as I always like to lick the lock before opening the door if thats ok”
Click to expand...
Or he could have said let’s use the back door
 
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