Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One night the wife woke to tell her husband her mother had disappeared. As they roamed the camp looking for her, they heard a chilling roar of a lion. In a clearing just outside the camp the couple came upon the mother-in-law who was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her. The wife said: “What are we going to do?” “Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it”
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Janet, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
Teesste said:
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Janet, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Click to expand...
You have broken my injunction, expect knock at the door. 😉
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the darkness said 'Jesus knows you're here!'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he was unplugging the big TV from the wall, clear as a bell heard a voice.. 'Jesus is watching you!'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room his light came to rest on a parrot sat in its cage. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep' said the parrot, then squawked 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you'. The burglar scoffed, saying 'Watching me eh ..pffft.. and who in the world are you?'

'I'm Moses' replied the bird.

'Moses?!' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a pet bird Moses?'.

The parrot replied 'The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus!'
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry" says the maître d'. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".
 
The wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast when I suddenly heard a massive crash. I leapt to my feet and rushed through. Only to find her collapsed on the floor, twitching and foaming at the mouth. I didn’t know what to do. I was in a blind panic.
Then I remembered, the pub does an all day breakfast for £8
 
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