Take care AET, we are all with you mate.
Even if posting on here is one of your only therapies, please keep doing it. When I read about issues some of the posters have I do wonder if I have had a lucky life or am I like the majority able to keep plodding on and luckily do not suffer mental anquish that effectively paralyses/.
Like many I have suffered knockbacks, 4 redundancies over the years, the last time a year ago which knocked me as I worked bloody hard in that job, was successful and booted out just like that and for a multi billion $ company paid off with the minimum they could get away with so at 60 seriously wondered what lay ahead and would I work again? happily yes.
Mental issues are not your fault, and for those who want to just blame the Government and say they are not doing enough, sadly with regards to all medical treatments there will never be enough money to go around, although all those years ago when the Gov't decided care in the community was the way to go for many with mental issues how has that contributed to where we are now.
I like to think I am always there for any friend who wants to talk, I can listen. When my marriage failed good friends listened to me, let me cry, didn't judge. I look back now and see how I was a coiled spring with stress due to the relationship I was in, not saying no to others so stretching myself too thin, debt (which is a silent evil) if covid had hit then we would have lost our home for sure
I married again and sadly the daughter of my wife and her partner are basket cases in how they live( **** expression) as far as I am concerned regards their behaviour, she is no better than a functioning alcoholic who is always ready to blame others for her behaviour, he is no better, not a drinker but almost feeds her addiction for control, and possibly gets some perverse pleasure in the issues he helps create. Sadly there are three kids being mentally f**ckd and all my wife and I can do is let the kids know we are there for them, and be a bolt hole and hopefully show them a calmer life.
I have found playing sport (golf) again helps, it's the me time that helps me be happy, great to play with mates happy to play alone, even just using the driving range and having something away from work / the crappy bits of life helps.
Ending it is never ever the way out, it leaves damage behind that often can never be repaired, those thinking everyone else will be better off without me is not true. I have seen the damage suicide does to those left behind questioning themselves and asking why, and did they fail in some way and then carrying it through with them in their lives.
Life can be ****, it can be great, it can be mind numbingly boring but it brings every new day a fresh opportunity and hope, enjoy and celebrate if you can each day. Even if it is something stupidly trivial, if you have family enjoy them. inch by inch, Step by step, day by day.
Good luck and keep posting, this boro fan community will be here for you