Best non vulgar insult

Yer mam’s yer dad and yer dad’s yer dog. Heard it when I first worked in Teesside 40 years ago, never heard it since, no idea what it means, but it stuck.
 
I had to explain this to a parent after saying it to her son;

I know you, your dad was as boxer, and your mother a cocker spaniel.
 
Years ago, I overheard a client say to a male colleague “Are you actually listening to a word I am saying?”

He replied something along the lines of “Oh I do apologise, you see my wife is at home and is really struggling with horrendous period pains, but, at least I am now finally able to genuinely empathise with her at long last, now where were we?”

I nearly pished myself, it seemingly went straight over the clients head. 😂
 
I worked with a lad from Sunderland who was middle management in an international school. He had the initials DC, I took great delight in calling him it at every opportunity, including in staff meetings, in front of the kids and all, knowing that it had its own special Teesside meaning. I eventually told him but nobody else.
 
"you can't play chess with a pigeon"

Another way of saying "it's not worth it" when arguing with simpletons
 
I would challenge you to a battle of wits.
But I see you are unarmed.

If you had a brain you would be dangerous.

I would like to agree with you. Really I would.
But then we would both be wrong.

You talk like a Geordie.
 
I love this line from Frasier and occasionally manage to paraphrase it when circumstances allow:

"Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem."
Something very similar and along the same lines.

A program advert for the tv show The Kardashians came on tv one night. Two of the girls started talking about Kim and Kanye and turned to one of the lads (her husband) as if to invite him into the conversation and asked his opinion on the subject. His respinse went something along the lines of

'Deep in the jungle of the Amazon Rainforest there are rivers and streams that run through areas of porous rock. Small droplets of water from those rivers and streams make there way through the rock and drip down into under ground caverns to form pools of water sometimes upto a mile under ground. In those pools there are small creatures who have evolved. They have never seen day light and are almost completely blind. These small creatures care more about Kardashians than I do'.
 
If someone is ranting and wont come up for air, just say "excuse me, can I stop you there?" When they go silent...you stay silent too...eventually they'll say..."yes...?" to which you can reply (smugly) "no sir/madam, I just wanted to stop you there.."

Another is to ask someone, simply..."Why are you?" Watch their baffled faces!
Finally, the best two descriptions I've heard were

"Looks like a melted wellyhead" & "Has a face like a bag of loose poultry!"
 
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